Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

When did Sam Mendes and John August get attached to a potential Preacher movie?  Last I heard, it was still in the muck-encrusted hands of that hackiest of hacks, Mark Steven Johnson — the “director” who blessed us with the atrocious Ghost Rider, Daredevil, and shat all over my favorite novel of all time.  If Mendes and August are attached — and they’re already talking sequel before the first script is done — man, that might conceivably become — *gasp!* — a really good movie.

It might actually be time for me to get excited about this project…

Today’s Question-

Dear Mr. Hex:


Recently, I’ve entered into an online relationship with a girl who lives about 700 miles away. She seems to be going through a rough patch financially, because she’s asked me for (and I’ve sent her) about $2,500 in the last three months. We’ve never actually met face-to-face, but I’m now convinced that I should quit my job as a supermarket assistant manager and move to be with her. I’ve tried to gauge how she feels about this possibility, but lately it’s gotten so hard to get even a word in with all the other people chatting with her during the webcasts from her bedroom. How can I tell if it’s time to overcome my fear and take that leap of faith in the name of love? You may be my only hope.

–Sleepless in Starkville

Jeezus H! In the time it took to finish reading your palaver, I came up with two plans.

First Plan:

1. Quit your job, go to where this “girl” lives (I’m not too savvy about those fancy computers, but… you’re sure she’s a girl, right?).
2. Ask her for your money back. If she says no, ask her to marry you and be done with it. If she refuses again, sing her Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love” from Karate Kid 2. I’m sure you know the words.
3. Start planning your wedding. It’s a’comin’, no doubt.

Second Plan:

1. Wire me $1,000. (Or PayPal it–didn’t say I was computer illiterate, just that I’m not that savvy.)
2. I go to see this “girl”.
3. I get your $2,500 by threatening to shoot her and her “boss” in the face.
4. $2,500 in hand, I shoot them both in the face for drawing on me as soon as I turn my back.

Only one has a chance at working–you guess which one and get back to me.

Jonah Hex is a life coach with over 140 years experience in counseling and conflict resolution. Send your request for guidance to j.hex@bulletsofwisdom.net or care of this site.

Today’s Question:

I once killed a girl with her own knife, but she was later resurrected by some Ninjas. Could I be tried for that crime now? Doesn’t there have to be a dead body or something?
-Never Miss in Millersville

Funny you should ask! Not that I need a reason of any kind to bring this up, but two of my girlfriends were murdered by the same guy. And while one of them managed to come back from the dead, unfortunately, she’s not the one who did porn. (Don’t judge me. When you work two jobs like I do, there’s usually no time for lovin’, so in that aspect of the relationship, efficiency is key.)

Oh, and you’re totally in the clear on that “kinda-sorta” murder, under that “no body” reasoning. (I like your instincts! Have you ever considered a job in law? Shoot me an email! I’ll read it with my fingertips!)

Matt Murdock is a licensed attorney who’s only been disbarred once. Email your legal queries to imnotdaredevil.really.imnot@marvellaw.com or in care of Jimmy Olsen’s Blues.

Well, so far none of you out there have responded to our wonderful do-it-yourself Mayor of New York contest thingie. So our very own Ben thought he’d show you how it’s done:

So, this is Times Square...

There you go. And he’s got more where that came from. Y’all’z gots to step it up, y’hear?

The Source has the full-color version of Frank Quitely’s cover for Batman and Robin #2. As much as I love Quitely’s stuff in general, am I the only one a little put off by the scratchiness/sketchiness of they style he’s using for B&R? I mean, don’t get me wrong — it’s still gorgeous stuff, but the sketchiness makes it look rushed to me, and “rushed” is never a word I think of when I think of Frank Quitely. Opinions?

So I see on @superpow3r’s Twitter feed this morning that the tabloid AM New York has an early-morning spoiler about who will be elected the new mayor of Marvel New York City in today’s Amazing Spider-Man #591.

And my first thought was: there’s only one possible person who could be elected mayor of New York which could possibly be that interesting that any tabloid would run a story on it this morning.* And whaddayaknow, I was exactly right! Just from reading that there existed a link to the tabloid which had the spoiler. I’m a pretty bright guy and all, but if I got the Big Twist from that little fact alone…I’m thinking it’s probably not quite the shocker** Marvel expected it to be. (In all fairness, whether it’s truly a massive surprise or not, this development could lead to exactly the kinds of odds-stacked-against-him stories Spider-Man is known for. I have a hunch it’ll play better than Oliver Queen-as-mayor of Star City did..)

And hey, this looks like a brilliant opportunity to kick off our DIY Humor feature which I made up right this very second! Think you’ve got a better idea for who should be the new mayor of Marvel New York than [name redacted]? Well, show us!

DIY Humor: The New Mayor of Marvel New York

Take the image above and insert who you think would make a good/horrible mayor. Bonus points if it’s someone who’ll make Spidey’s life a living hell, because, well, Spidey’s just not Spidey if he’s not spouting wisecracks while suffering immensely. Post your doctored image to your own blog or site and either email us your entry at crew@jimmyolsensblues.com or just ping us back. We’ll provide a list of all entries we get, so all seven of our readers will see your stabs at humor!

By the way, maybe those of you who read ASM on a regular basis can tell me: has [name redacted for those who might actually be spoiled by this] actually been running for mayor? Or is this supposed to be the result of some surprisingly massive write-in campaign?

* Well, unless Marvel decided Norman Osborn had time to for mayorial duties as well. Or maybe Barack Obama — he seems to sell a lot of comics these days.

** Now if Spidey nemesis The Shocker were elected mayor…

1. Mark Waid’s blog and his ongoing series of podcasts

Boom Studios E-i-C and esteemed comics writer Waid once said, “Reading 8,000 comics doesn’t qualify you to write even one.”; I’d extend his aphorism to include “writing a blog” as well. Unsurprisingly, Waid’s decades of experience in most phases of comic production (not to mention his years of sometimes caustic candor) serve him well in the execution and regular updates to his newish blog.  But, no matter the cv, being a huge comics fan doesn’t always guarantee an interesting or even readable ‘net presence. So far, though, Waid’s proven to be a pretty safe bet, his updates mixing tradecraft mini-lectures and plain ol’ Comics Appreciation, down to single panels or covers.

Even more recently, he’s jumped (or been pushed) into podcasting. 15 Minutes With Waid, it’s called, and that seems to be a pretty ideal length–while I enjoy reading Mark Waid wax articulate about most topics at length in print, I’ve got to think that 30 minutes or more of him talking might start to push the limits of my admiration. The brevity, combined with “co-host” Dafna Pleban’s well-timed but offhand interjections (which seem to steer Waid down avenues he hadn’t planned on) make this an easy series of ‘casts to catch up with on the fly. 15 Minutes isn’t as in-depth as Word Balloon (almost a different species), but it’s nearly as enjoyable for its loose feel and broad discussion. Very welcoming, and welcome.

2. Tabbloid

As a guy physically incapable of eating a meal without something to read (or in this case, something to write), I am totally in love with Tabbloid, a free on-demand PDF blog publishing service pointed out by (probably six-brained) Warren Ellis. Just sign up, tell ‘em which blog updates you want to slap into your weekly e-zine, and Tabbloid does the rest, emailing you a PDF with the week’s posts arranged for you to read (onscreen or my preferred format–in print). I’m not sure if you can change the default chronology, though, which would help because sometimes, updates are meant to be read from oldest to newest, not vice-versa. This is altogether minor, and (especially if you’re reading onscreen) easily overcome by starting at the “bottom”.

Secret Warriors#1 © Marvel 2009

3. Jonathan Hickman and Marvel’s Secret Warrriors

Not only is the series getting better with each issue, each issue gets better the more you re-read it (not to mention that I have been re-reading it–hardly ever do that anymore). And even Brian Bendis will tell you that the story as it’s being laid out is far more Hickman’s than his as pitched. Issue 1’s twist (so simple, but further proof that just because YOU could’ve thought of it doesn’t mean YOU could write comics) will drive you to read every single previous appearance of Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD to see if this has been the plan since the Steranko administration. Stefano Caselli’s artwork is fluid and there’s a murky quality to the coloring that doesn’t sound awesome, but sure looks it.

4. Twitter!

Since this blog last throbbed with activity, Twitter fucking exploded (and this post’s 488 links to different Twitters are proof). People who just aren’t interesting enough to hold you your attention with a blah-blah-blog (e.g., me) have no trouble spitting out 20-25 words two or three times a day, and believe me that you’re all luckier for it. Just about any creator you like is 140-ing it up, from Brian Bendis and Scott Pilgrim’s Bryan Lee O’Malley, to this husband-wife-child team, Warren Ellis and Action Age Comics wunderkind/Anita Blake arsonist Chris Sims. Which leads us to, strangely enough…

5. Chris Sims.

You open the dictionary (or the Necronomicon, or Lemmy’s autobiography) to the section on Inextinguishable Flame of Comics, Robocop, and Face-Kicking, it either just says “Chris Sims‘ Invincible Super Blog” or “Sims, Chris; see also: Action Age Comics“. His annotations on the Anita Blake comic adaptations are more meticulously and lovingly presented than those scribblings by people who actually like Anita Blake comic adaptations. And if you don’t plan to see Watchmen: The Movie, this Hard Man of the Carolinas feels your apathy and gives you the next best thing (well, the second next best thing; the first would probably be giving you the damn comics to read). All for free.

Charlie Huston's The Shotgun Rule

6. Charlie Huston

I realize I’m going about my discoverin’ business backwards, I do. I read Noted Crime Novelist Charlie Huston’s Moon Knight comics before ever reading any of his Noted Crime Novels, but hey, 20 years from now this will probably be a chicken/egg thing. The Shotgun Rule may have come out in 2007, but this tale of 4 boys growing up too fast in the summer of ‘83 is going to be under more than one of my friends’ Christmas trees in 2009. (Added bonus: He’s putting out a story one Twitter update at a time. It’s part horror, part sci-fi, and yes, an early installment name drops the Ultimate Nullifier.)

7. Stuff Geeks Love

Sadly, this scalpel-fine dose of tough love is on a much slower schedule now, but what’s been posted already is nearly enough.

8. Lollyphile

I’ll have the new bourbon flavored lollipops, please. No wait, I’m feeling a little frisky, so let’s grab some absinthe ones instead, and some maple-bacon pops, too! (They offer wasabi-ginger as well, but that’s not my cup of, uh, wasabi and ginger.) Not comic-related at all, but as Stuff Geeks Love teaches us, it can’t be all comics, all the time.

9. Jason Aaron’s “Ghost Rider”

Jason Aaron's Ghost Rider

I’ve been buying comics for at least 30 years, and I’d never once bought an issue of a Ghost Rider ongoing. (By way of comparison, I bought an issue of Marvel Chillers featuring Tigra once.) Happily, my ignorance of the title in its many volumes doesn’t detract from the experience of this Flaming Skeleton Biker badassery, primarily because Aaron is wholly unafraid to embrace the lunacy of the character or the situations a Ghost Rider would find himself in. (So: no War of Kings tie-in, probably.)

10. Diesel Sweeties

While it’s true that I’ve praised R. Stevens’ one-man-amazing-corps before, I don’t think I sufficiently expressed our fevered admiration for the actual strip itself, and might have given the impression that one awesome t-shirt trumped the daily work. Consistently hilarious, provocative and equally enjoyable for both sides of the robots vs. humans conflict. And just in time for Mother’s Day, you can purchase a sweet collection of strips selected by Mr. Stevens himself in cutting-edge paper form (he’ll even trick it out for you for a few bucks more).