Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

Today’s Question-

Dear Mr. Hex:
Recently, I’ve entered into an online relationship with a girl who lives about 700 miles away. She seems to be going through a rough patch financially, because she’s asked me for (and I’ve sent her) about $2,500 in the last three months. We’ve never actually met face-to-face, but I’m now convinced that I should quit my job as a supermarket assistant manager and move to be with her. I’ve tried to gauge how she feels about this possibility, but lately it’s gotten so hard to get even a word in with all the other people chatting with her during the webcasts from her bedroom. How can I tell if it’s time to overcome my fear and take that leap of faith in the name of love? You may be my only hope.

–Sleepless in Starkville

Jeezus H! In the time it took to finish reading your palaver, I came up with two plans.

First Plan:

1. Quit your job, go to where this “girl” lives (I’m not too savvy about those fancy computers, but… you’re sure she’s a girl, right?).
2. Ask her for your money back. If she says no, ask her to marry you and be done with it. If she refuses again, sing her Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love” from Karate Kid 2. I’m sure you know the words.
3. Start planning your wedding. It’s a’comin’, no doubt.

Second Plan:

1. Wire me $1,000. (Or PayPal it–didn’t say I was computer illiterate, just that I’m not that savvy.)
2. I go to see this “girl”.
3. I get your $2,500 by threatening to shoot her and her “boss” in the face.
4. $2,500 in hand, I shoot them both in the face for drawing on me as soon as I turn my back.

Only one has a chance at working–you guess which one and get back to me.

Jonah Hex is a life coach with over 140 years experience in counseling and conflict resolution. Send your request for guidance to j.hex@bulletsofwisdom.net or care of this site.

Today’s Question:

I once killed a girl with her own knife, but she was later resurrected by some Ninjas. Could I be tried for that crime now? Doesn’t there have to be a dead body or something? -Never Miss in Millersville Funny you should ask! Not that I need a reason of any kind to bring this up, but two of my girlfriends were murdered by the same guy. And while one of them managed to come back from the dead, unfortunately, she’s not the one who did porn. (Don’t judge me. When you work two jobs like I do, there’s usually no time for lovin’, so in that aspect of the relationship, efficiency is key.)

Oh, and you’re totally in the clear on that “kinda-sorta” murder, under that “no body” reasoning. (I like your instincts! Have you ever considered a job in law? Shoot me an email! I’ll read it with my fingertips!)

Matt Murdock is a licensed attorney who’s only been disbarred once. Email your legal queries to imnotdaredevil.really.imnot@marvellaw.com or in care of Jimmy Olsen’s Blues.

1. Mark Waid’s blog and his ongoing series of podcasts

Boom Studios E-i-C and esteemed comics writer Waid once said, “Reading 8,000 comics doesn’t qualify you to write even one.”; I’d extend his aphorism to include “writing a blog” as well. Unsurprisingly, Waid’s decades of experience in most phases of comic production (not to mention his years of sometimes caustic candor) serve him well in the execution and regular updates to his newish blog.  But, no matter the cv, being a huge comics fan doesn’t always guarantee an interesting or even readable ‘net presence. So far, though, Waid’s proven to be a pretty safe bet, his updates mixing tradecraft mini-lectures and plain ol’ Comics Appreciation, down to single panels or covers.

Even more recently, he’s jumped (or been pushed) into podcasting. 15 Minutes With Waid, it’s called, and that seems to be a pretty ideal length–while I enjoy reading Mark Waid wax articulate about most topics at length in print, I’ve got to think that 30 minutes or more of him talking might start to push the limits of my admiration. The brevity, combined with “co-host” Dafna Pleban’s well-timed but offhand interjections (which seem to steer Waid down avenues he hadn’t planned on) make this an easy series of ‘casts to catch up with on the fly. 15 Minutes isn’t as in-depth as Word Balloon (almost a different species), but it’s nearly as enjoyable for its loose feel and broad discussion. Very welcoming, and welcome.

2. Tabbloid

As a guy physically incapable of eating a meal without something to read (or in this case, something to write), I am totally in love with Tabbloid, a free on-demand PDF blog publishing service pointed out by (probably six-brained) Warren Ellis. Just sign up, tell ‘em which blog updates you want to slap into your weekly e-zine, and Tabbloid does the rest, emailing you a PDF with the week’s posts arranged for you to read (onscreen or my preferred format–in print). I’m not sure if you can change the default chronology, though, which would help because sometimes, updates are meant to be read from oldest to newest, not vice-versa. This is altogether minor, and (especially if you’re reading onscreen) easily overcome by starting at the “bottom”.

Secret Warriors#1 © Marvel 2009

3. Jonathan Hickman and Marvel’s Secret Warrriors

Not only is the series getting better with each issue, each issue gets better the more you re-read it (not to mention that I have been re-reading it–hardly ever do that anymore). And even Brian Bendis will tell you that the story as it’s being laid out is far more Hickman’s than his as pitched. Issue 1’s twist (so simple, but further proof that just because YOU could’ve thought of it doesn’t mean YOU could write comics) will drive you to read every single previous appearance of Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD to see if this has been the plan since the Steranko administration. Stefano Caselli’s artwork is fluid and there’s a murky quality to the coloring that doesn’t sound awesome, but sure looks it.

4. Twitter!

Since this blog last throbbed with activity, Twitter fucking exploded (and this post’s 488 links to different Twitters are proof). People who just aren’t interesting enough to hold you your attention with a blah-blah-blog (e.g., me) have no trouble spitting out 20-25 words two or three times a day, and believe me that you’re all luckier for it. Just about any creator you like is 140-ing it up, from Brian Bendis and Scott Pilgrim’s Bryan Lee O’Malley, to this husband-wife-child team, Warren Ellis and Action Age Comics wunderkind/Anita Blake arsonist Chris Sims. Which leads us to, strangely enough…

5. Chris Sims.

You open the dictionary (or the Necronomicon, or Lemmy’s autobiography) to the section on Inextinguishable Flame of Comics, Robocop, and Face-Kicking, it either just says “Chris Sims‘ Invincible Super Blog” or “Sims, Chris; see also: Action Age Comics“. His annotations on the Anita Blake comic adaptations are more meticulously and lovingly presented than those scribblings by people who actually like Anita Blake comic adaptations. And if you don’t plan to see Watchmen: The Movie, this Hard Man of the Carolinas feels your apathy and gives you the next best thing (well, the second next best thing; the first would probably be giving you the damn comics to read). All for free.

Charlie Huston's The Shotgun Rule

6. Charlie Huston

I realize I’m going about my discoverin’ business backwards, I do. I read Noted Crime Novelist Charlie Huston’s Moon Knight comics before ever reading any of his Noted Crime Novels, but hey, 20 years from now this will probably be a chicken/egg thing. The Shotgun Rule may have come out in 2007, but this tale of 4 boys growing up too fast in the summer of ‘83 is going to be under more than one of my friends’ Christmas trees in 2009. (Added bonus: He’s putting out a story one Twitter update at a time. It’s part horror, part sci-fi, and yes, an early installment name drops the Ultimate Nullifier.)

7. Stuff Geeks Love

Sadly, this scalpel-fine dose of tough love is on a much slower schedule now, but what’s been posted already is nearly enough.

8. Lollyphile

I’ll have the new bourbon flavored lollipops, please. No wait, I’m feeling a little frisky, so let’s grab some absinthe ones instead, and some maple-bacon pops, too! (They offer wasabi-ginger as well, but that’s not my cup of, uh, wasabi and ginger.) Not comic-related at all, but as Stuff Geeks Love teaches us, it can’t be all comics, all the time.

9. Jason Aaron’s “Ghost Rider”

Jason Aaron's Ghost Rider

I’ve been buying comics for at least 30 years, and I’d never once bought an issue of a Ghost Rider ongoing. (By way of comparison, I bought an issue of Marvel Chillers featuring Tigra once.) Happily, my ignorance of the title in its many volumes doesn’t detract from the experience of this Flaming Skeleton Biker badassery, primarily because Aaron is wholly unafraid to embrace the lunacy of the character or the situations a Ghost Rider would find himself in. (So: no War of Kings tie-in, probably.)

10. Diesel Sweeties

While it’s true that I’ve praised R. Stevens’ one-man-amazing-corps before, I don’t think I sufficiently expressed our fevered admiration for the actual strip itself, and might have given the impression that one awesome t-shirt trumped the daily work. Consistently hilarious, provocative and equally enjoyable for both sides of the robots vs. humans conflict. And just in time for Mother’s Day, you can purchase a sweet collection of strips selected by Mr. Stevens himself in cutting-edge paper form (he’ll even trick it out for you for a few bucks more).

(This post’s title sort of brought to you by the great and powerful Paul Westerberg and his Replacements, who this weekend released a CD’s worth of material for 49 American pennies.)

As usual, New Comics Day doesn’t bring too cumbersome a bag o’ funnybooks my way, but I do like to glance at all the covers, just to see if they still make ‘em like they used to.

(C)2008 DC Comics

Sometimes they do.

(c) DC 2008

Somtimes they do, but don’t do it until 3 weeks later. (I’m sorry, if I wasn’t buying Batman already, the Alex Ross version of this cover wouldn’t have gotten my attention at all.)

Sometimes they really do, but only for an extra seven bucks, and only if your store got the comic.

Sometimes, they really, really do, and for a good cause. Do what I’m doing this week–ordering half the usual meatball sub and putting those leftover calorie-dollars to better  use.

From TulsaWorld.com:

OKLAHOMA CITY — Some Oklahoma County voters can expect to receive comic books in the mail soon, but the subject matter will have a serious tone.

The 16-page publication prepared by Commissioner Brent Rinehart’s re-election campaign lampoons gays and criticizes Rinehart’s political opponents. It also features an angel who supports the embattled commissioner and Satan, who supports his critics. Toga-wearing gays, political figures, trench coat-clad henchmen, concerned residents and Rinehart make up the rest of the comic’s characters.

I really hope some 10 year old plucks this beauty out of the mailbox, asks his “liberal, good ol’ boy” (cannot get enough of that phrase!) dad what “anal sodomy” is, and gets this taxpayer-fleecing goon arrested for peddling “filth” to minors, just like poor Gordon Lee (well, except for the fact that Lee didn’t do anything wrong).  And this time, let’s hope the CBLDF is a little too busy to help out.

I was pretty obnoxious in my pronouncement earlier this year that I was buying summer blockbusters Final Crisis and Secret Invasion, and that was it. No tie-ins, no reprint “catch-up” books, nothing extra.

That was stupid. I’m still buying at least 2 or 3 comics a week, but now I almost feel like I need to sneak in and out of my LCS in a disguise, immediately put the comics in a different bag, go home and hide them under the bed, so I can read them at 2 a.m. in the bathroom.

Here’s what I read at 2 this morning:

Captain America #40. How is that Ed Brubaker is still keeping his story on a slow burn, yet each month still leaves me satisfied and fufilled? It could be all the punching and defenestrating going on between Captain America 2.0 and Captain America 1.5 this issue and last. And… girl-fighting! And girl-stabbing!

MIghty Avengers #16. I’ve never been a supporter of holding Marvel to the statistical filler that litters their Handbooks. (“You showed the Hulk straining and gritting his teeth while lifting that school bus! It clearly states in the Handbook that the Hulk can lift 100 tons, about ten school buses! I demand a No-Prize!”) But, a little consistency among different comics, when the same writer’s involved, would be appreciated. This issue, we find out the hows, whys, and whens of the Skrullswap that started it all: Elektra. And while I enjoyed her appearance and salute her death-dealing valor, the length of time she holds her own against four of the Super Skrulls currently laying waste to a dozen Young Avengers, New Avengers and Mighty Avengers is a little hard to swallow. And why is next issue touted as “The Truth About Hank Pym”? Wasn’t that last issue?

Final Crisis: Rogues’ Revenge #1. I get annoyed when I ask someone their opinion on a comic or a CD or a movie and they respond, “If you like their other stuff, you’ll like this. If you don’t, then you won’t.” Ugh.

That’s why it pains me to write this: if you enjoyed Johns’ and Kolins’ take on the Flashes and their Rogues (I did), you’ll no doubt enjoy this. However, if you’re not digging Final Crisis so far, you might still enjoy Rogues’ Revenge despite its tie-in status, as it only brushes on that series’ Libra and his plot as it affects the Rogues.

Hey Kettle; Pot here. Did you know you’re black?

Incredible Hercules #119. Jeph Loeb can keep his Hulk of Many Colors right where he is, if it means we get to keep this sleeper title. It’d be really easy to fill in the plot blanks of a Secret Invasion crossover with a one-note Hercules and his Gift, but Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente are obviously not settling for that. Each issue’s opening recap page is itself worth three bucks, and the full story has been consistently taut and surprisingly inventive. And structurally, they leave the door open to new readers each issue, with more self-contained plot points and skillful retellings even outside the aforementioned recap pages.

If you’re not reading this book, but are slogging through the rest of Secret Invasion, I suspect you just don’t like good times.

Today’s 10 was supposed to be the Top 10 S… oh, to hell with it; it was going to be lame, we caught it early^[1] and excised it, and I won’t bore you anymore with the Untold Tale.

We brainstormed anew. Actually, it was really just me throwing out even more tired ideas and Allen logically and methodically shooting them down. Finally, after dozens of minutes, I blurted, “What about 10 Webcomics? We can’t just read and write about Big 2 stuff forever.”

Allen, obviously bereft of any better ideas and tiring of the struggle, agreed (or at least didn’t shoot it down). He didn’t bother asking if I had read or even knew of 10 different webcomics. (The answer to those questions: Nope and nope^[2].) But I liked the idea of trying new things, and the more I thought about this post, the more of a purist bent I developed. I would leave the discovery of these selected ten in the hands of fate. Fate, and search engines.

My first Googling (“webcomics”) produced thewebcomicslist.com, but that would’ve been way too easy, plus I wanted my selections to be totally random, and not pulled from a list of titles conveniently grouped together by genre. Back to the drawing board. Via random word generator, I tacked on a single extra word to the “webcomics+” search string (if you’re curious, I’m listing those words as well). Ten searches later, it’s Webcomics… and adventure!

These are presented in chonological order only. They do represent the first ten titles I was able to click through to from my search results. They do not represent webcomics that I necessarily enjoyed. Adventure!

1. Insisting: Good-Evil.net’s Funny Webcomic.

The site itself (enormously staffed and videogame-centric) was more interesting than this Photoshoppy cut and paste job they irregularly feature. Its afterthought nature isn’t what I imagine when I think “webcomic”.

2. Excess:The Smashing Adventures of the Bottomleys , by whoever Lowroad 75 is. On the other hand, this is what I imagine. Once you get used to the scrolling and the navigation, you can focus on the comic, which isn’t bad at all from what I read. A gently funny and slickly drawn tale of an absent-minded genius scientist and his family. There’s a multiverse in this one, so my Final Crisis digging ass has to appreciate it a little.

3. Little: Little Dee, by Chris Baldwin. Cute talking animals and not unfunny. Very newspaper comic-y and a well organized site, to boot.

4. Exhaustive: Roswell, Texas from Big Head Press, L. Neil Smith and Scott Bieser. Not cartoonish at all, and easily the closest to an actual comic book presented on the web I’ve seen so far, and the page viewing is really ideal here. Again with the alternate universes, wheee!! So far the only one I’d read in printed form.

5. Resolved: Forest Dew, by Florentina Heldrad. Hard to believe it took me this long to come across some manga. Pretty and spacious, by an obviously talented 19 year old girl.

6. Potentially: Sexy Losers (Extremely NSFW!!), Okay, got the manga, now where’s the porn? Oh it’s here, in spades. NSFW, and of course it is, I was pointed to it by a site called LOPOW-List of Potentially Offensive Webcomics. I didn’t find it offensive, but other than the Cuckolded Husband series, I didn’t find it entertaining either.

7. Rarely: Questionable Content, by Jeph Jacques. This one took awhile to find, as the early search results pointed mostly to review sites without working links. Probably worth it, as QC’s been around for awhile, it appears. Professional and smartly funny, in a “better sitcom” kind of way. With talking iPods and computers. I may actually go back and read all of these.

8. Quick: Quick Stabbing Motion by Brandon Southgate and Keegan Mullin. I’m no snob, but… eh. Juvenile, trying waaaay too hard to be anti-social, and the kind of stuff that’d get them on an FBI watch list if they weren’t Canadians.

9. Syndicate: Player Vs. Player- I know. It’s popular. Doesn’t mean I’ve ever read it. But I might start reading it more now that I’ve seen this (scroll about halfway down–under “Cre-Haters”). Scott Kurtz really takes his work seriously.

10. Simulating: Irregular Webcomic – I’m sort of a sucker for any use of action figures, Fisher-Price toys, whatever, in storyboard form. This was a hoot. I’ll be back to this one.

(C)2008 David Morgan Mar

So there, internet. Our first post without a single mention of Batman, Superman, Wolverine, or capes. This has been Webcomics…and Adventure!

[1]But not early enough–we pounded away at it for almost an hour, so there’s probably no way you won’t see it sooner or later. We hold out much hope for “later”.

[2]I do in fact read four regularly: R. Stevens’ DieselSweeties; Cameron Stewart’s Sin Titulo; Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield’s Freakangels as mentioned a few times here; and The Rack by Kevin Church and Benjamin Birdie. All are recommended.

(Y’know when someone prefaces their monologue with, “I don’t want to be a dick, but…”? That usually always means, “I’m about to be a dick”.)

Too much Anti-Life Equation, that’s the only explanation I can come up with for this to have made it into the published version of this week’s Justice Society #17.

One week only! Composers Amazing Man and Gog will perform their entire repertoire, called by some “the strongest”. Miss it at your own risk!

I don’t want to be a dick, but did he mean rapport?

In better Geoff Johns news, the rest of JSA was typically solid, even though he’s really just moving the story from predictable ground to Really Predictable Ground. Awakened demigod Gog isn’t happy about anything bad in the world and he apparently has the power to fix it all, even the bad things that happened to many of the JSA. So what are the odds that nothing is as good as it appears, and that the JSA’s gonna have a mini civil-war very soon?

In even better Geoff Johns news, Action Comics was jaw-droppingly good and my favorite book this week. Though he’s been taking care of Super-business for quite a while now, he’s really beginning to hit his stride in Action and not just saving his best blend of characterization and action for Green Lantern. In the course of finding out more about Braniac’s latest campaign, Supes (and the reader) gets some insight into his cousin (she actually lived through a Braniac assault as a “normal” Kryptonian and still carries scars. And we witness her teary eyed heat vision–powerful stuff.^[1]), his adopted father (he kept souvenirs!), and himself (he doesn’t really know what it’s like to miss home). For a change, he gets all of this while actually doing something instead of talking to everyone about it.

I bought non-Johns comics this week too, like Final Crisis:Requiem. Some of the negatives being thrown around elsewhere are valid (unnecessary to Final Crisis proper, a little long in the violence department), but overall, I thought it was a competently written and illustrated comic that did what it said it would: show a little more detailed version of J’onn J’onzz heroic last stand, remember his life and show what his last wishes were. The flipside, though: Green Arrow’s “He was my favorite Martian” line makes it almost impossible to defend this book.

[1]If there is a god, a god who like pretty comics, we’ll see a Gary Frank Supergirl book again one day.

Because we haven’t mentioned Warren Ellis in about an hour, go catch up on Freakangels, the free weekly webcomic from Mr. Ellis and Mr. Paul Duffield. The new installment’s up today, all previous pages available as well. You can even subscribe to the RSS feed, the better to wean yourself from relying on me to remember for you each Friday.

And again, it’s free. It’s also good. Go read it now.