Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

Batman (arguably) places higher on the fanboy scale than Superman^[1], but why? If comics specialize in wish fufillment and escapism, you can’t get granted a much cooler wish than being bulletproof and able to fly, agreed?

Thing is, once you get beyond the first few pages of a Superman story, you know (or at least are reasonably sure) you’re never gonna fly your girlfriend to the Eiffel Tower, in your own arms anyway. Sure, he looks like you and me, has a real job and a wife and adoptive parents and that outsider subtext, but as a reader you never fully accept him as “like us”.

Batman’s another story. He is, for all his abilities and talents, only human. And that’s why we like Batman better. At the end of the day, he’s closer to us, and we like to feel like we have something in common with a hero. But it’s not just Batman readers can relate to. Many of us here in the real world have more in common with comic books than we think or care to admit.

They say art imitates life. And sometimes, comics imitate crazy. Here’s ten examples of ways we can all be like funnybooks, as usual in no particular order. And if you have three or more of these, you’re not mentally ill. You are, in fact, Batman.

1. Alcoholism/Chemical Dependency - Oh yeah, the suit’s cool and all, but Marvel didn’t sell tons of comics or cast Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark because the Iron Man suit is that cool. Ms. Marvel lost a prestigious job because she liked to get loaded. On the other side, DC loves to put a monkey on its bad guys’ backs, with Bane hooked on steroids (since cleaned up, I believe) and Mirror Master actually using his powers to be inside a mirror, the better to snort a line from the other side.

2. Schizophrenia – Again, Marvel loves to put the mental screws to its heroes, while DC has a separate cottage industry in nutjob villains (Arkham Asylum, anybody?): Marvel’s Sentry has this particular affliction bad, leading most of his writers to bring it up way more than they should. Just because he’s got two or three personalities doesn’t earn him three times the space in Mighty Avengers, okay? DC trots out Rose and Thorn, Dr. Polaris, The Ventiloquist, The Mad Hatter, and yes, Two-Face.

3. Stockholm Syndrome-

Y’know, where someone who’s kidnapped, a hostage, or a prisoner begins to sympathize or otherwise feel warmly towards their captor? Robin, take a bow. We don’t care which one.

4. Pyrophobia-

J’onn J’onzz, rest in peace. Captain Ultra, you get to carry the torch now. (Let it sit for just another moment… wait… not yet…okay, that was bad.)

ADDENDUM: Just realized most of you might not actually have read the above from Fantastic Four #177, in which Captain Ultra auditions for the Frightful Four (who do run into the Human Torch from time to time) IN THE BAXTER BUILDING.

 5. Sex Addiction -

The best of examples of this are probably on the hero side of the ledger (because bad guys with names like the Shocker just aren’t going to get that much action): Oliver Queen can’t seem to keep the Horndog Arrow in the quiver and routinely screws up his life, a common result of sex addiction. Batman? For somebody who “works alone”, he’s certainly gets busy, hooking up with one arch enemy and actually impregnating another foe’s daughter.

6. Claustrophobia

Um… Storm still suffers from it, I guess. This one’s not nearly as common in comics as the real world, as far as we know. But hey, these people operate in giant cities or huge mansions or even outer space, so maybe the situation never comes up. I just thought it was cool and dramatic and surprising in the early days of the Claremont/Cockrum X-Men.

7. Napoleon Complex -

Again with the DC villains and Marvel Heroes: Dr. Psycho has been a much better (and dangerous) character since DC started playing up the doctor’s overcompensation. On the Marvel end, I gotta think Hank Pym was operating under a fog of this Little Man Syndrome early in his career. After all, he only lasted one issue of Avengers as Ant-Man(with the Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man), before he had to do a 180 on day two, showing up as “Giant Man”.

8. Chiroptophobia -

Gotham City wouldn’t have been living in fear of bats for going on 60 years if this wasn’t cool. Anybody can be afraid of heights.

9. Megalomania/Delusions of Grandeur -

Pretty common in villainy across the board, but Lex Luthor and Victor Von Doom rewrite the texts nearly every year. (Except for Doom getting all street on Ms. Marvel in Mighty Avengers a few months back. That’s a whole other maladjustment that’s not on the list.) And give both publishers credit–both are the most enduring foes of their first superheroes, and neither has ever been a copy or caricature of the other, despite having similar motivations.

10. Fregoli Delusion

Not common at all, in either our world or the capes-n-tights one, but it does exist. Primarily so I could toss this image in. And the comic underneath this cover’s pretty bad-ass as well.

[1]I say arguably, but how many more Batman stories do you find in most fans’ top 20 list of all time comics than Superman stories? I rest my case.