Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Today’s Question-

Dear Mr. Hex:
Recently, I’ve entered into an online relationship with a girl who lives about 700 miles away. She seems to be going through a rough patch financially, because she’s asked me for (and I’ve sent her) about $2,500 in the last three months. We’ve never actually met face-to-face, but I’m now convinced that I should quit my job as a supermarket assistant manager and move to be with her. I’ve tried to gauge how she feels about this possibility, but lately it’s gotten so hard to get even a word in with all the other people chatting with her during the webcasts from her bedroom. How can I tell if it’s time to overcome my fear and take that leap of faith in the name of love? You may be my only hope.

–Sleepless in Starkville

Jeezus H! In the time it took to finish reading your palaver, I came up with two plans.

First Plan:

1. Quit your job, go to where this “girl” lives (I’m not too savvy about those fancy computers, but… you’re sure she’s a girl, right?).
2. Ask her for your money back. If she says no, ask her to marry you and be done with it. If she refuses again, sing her Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love” from Karate Kid 2. I’m sure you know the words.
3. Start planning your wedding. It’s a’comin’, no doubt.

Second Plan:

1. Wire me $1,000. (Or PayPal it–didn’t say I was computer illiterate, just that I’m not that savvy.)
2. I go to see this “girl”.
3. I get your $2,500 by threatening to shoot her and her “boss” in the face.
4. $2,500 in hand, I shoot them both in the face for drawing on me as soon as I turn my back.

Only one has a chance at working–you guess which one and get back to me.

Jonah Hex is a life coach with over 140 years experience in counseling and conflict resolution. Send your request for guidance to j.hex@bulletsofwisdom.net or care of this site.