Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, so far none of you out there have responded to our wonderful do-it-yourself Mayor of New York contest thingie. So our very own Ben thought he’d show you how it’s done:

So, this is Times Square...

There you go. And he’s got more where that came from. Y’all’z gots to step it up, y’hear?

So I see on @superpow3r’s Twitter feed this morning that the tabloid AM New York has an early-morning spoiler about who will be elected the new mayor of Marvel New York City in today’s Amazing Spider-Man #591.

And my first thought was: there’s only one possible person who could be elected mayor of New York which could possibly be that interesting that any tabloid would run a story on it this morning.* And whaddayaknow, I was exactly right! Just from reading that there existed a link to the tabloid which had the spoiler. I’m a pretty bright guy and all, but if I got the Big Twist from that little fact alone…I’m thinking it’s probably not quite the shocker** Marvel expected it to be. (In all fairness, whether it’s truly a massive surprise or not, this development could lead to exactly the kinds of odds-stacked-against-him stories Spider-Man is known for. I have a hunch it’ll play better than Oliver Queen-as-mayor of Star City did..)

And hey, this looks like a brilliant opportunity to kick off our DIY Humor feature which I made up right this very second! Think you’ve got a better idea for who should be the new mayor of Marvel New York than [name redacted]? Well, show us!

DIY Humor: The New Mayor of Marvel New York

Take the image above and insert who you think would make a good/horrible mayor. Bonus points if it’s someone who’ll make Spidey’s life a living hell, because, well, Spidey’s just not Spidey if he’s not spouting wisecracks while suffering immensely. Post your doctored image to your own blog or site and either email us your entry at crew@jimmyolsensblues.com or just ping us back. We’ll provide a list of all entries we get, so all seven of our readers will see your stabs at humor!

By the way, maybe those of you who read ASM on a regular basis can tell me: has [name redacted for those who might actually be spoiled by this] actually been running for mayor? Or is this supposed to be the result of some surprisingly massive write-in campaign?

* Well, unless Marvel decided Norman Osborn had time to for mayorial duties as well. Or maybe Barack Obama — he seems to sell a lot of comics these days.

** Now if Spidey nemesis The Shocker were elected mayor…

Comics flow through a marketplace so fickle and so resistant to innovation that getting off on the right foot is damn near essential to any sort of success. While certain comics have been able to overcome a non-descript opening story (Daredevil came to mind while breaking out this list), today we tip our hats to these ten, who have made it particularly easy for subsequent writers to show us something worth reading each month, some of them for decades. In no particular order:

Oracle. “Babs” Gordon’s transformation from the “cute if not especially interesting” Batgirl into the “sexy in a Hot Librarian way and far, far more useful and interesting” Oracle was rooted in one of the seminal Batman stories of the last 20 years, Alan Moore and Brian Bolland’s The Killing Joke. The sequence where the Joker inflicted the genesis for this change on her might have been sickening to behold, but the worst thing to ever happen to the character has also proven to be the best thing to happen to her from a storytelling perspective. And while we’ve been given a couple of (mostly well done) “it sucks to be in a wheelchair” moments, they’ve been few and far between and outnumbered by page after page of just how little of Barbara Gordon’s heroism was wearing that cowl.

Spider-Man. Spidey’s origin works so well less for its details — though those work, too — but for its thematic significance. The phrase “with great power comes great responsibility” is now so well-known and so associated with Spider-Man that it’s taken on its own life, used for other non-Spidery purposes — though if you search Wikipedia for “with great power comes great responsibility,” you get redirected right back to the entry for Spider-Man.

Preacher. When most preachers recount their experience “finding God,” doesn’t it always seem more like God found them? Garth Ennis thought so and gave us a fresher, more accurate use of the phrase. By hitting drunkard and reluctant man of the cloth Jesse Custer in the mouth with Heaven’s dirty little secret angel-demon baby, Ennis set Custer on a far more literal “finding God” story. (Now that I think about it, we could probably have included Preacher’s Saint of Killers and Herr Starr on this list as well.)

Captain America. If loving this tale of one man so patriotic and devoted that he gave up polio for his country means I actually love propaganda, then you can go ahead and sell me the “I <3 Propaganda” t-shirt today. Seriously though, the same basic Cap ideal (One man is Superman, the living embodiment of all that is Good and Right about America, and at the same time Everyman) that thrilled millions in the 40’s has managed to sustain an ongoing comic series for nearly a year and a half (and counting) without him in it.

Superman. Not only does Superman’s origin hold up — and has been used as the basis for the origins of plenty of other heroes, both literally and metaphorically — it’s also a powerful metaphor for the American Jewish experience in the early part of the 20th century. So says Michael Chabon, and I believe him.

Batman. This story’s so good, so primal, that the many, many interpretations of “Which one’s the mask: Bruce Wayne or Batman?” and “What’s Batman’s mission?” — not to mention the many interpretations of Batman himself — have only made the core origin better. Unlike the origins for most superheroes with actual superpowers, Batman’s beginnings resonate because it’s easy for us to imagine ourselves and our reactions to a similar situation. Batman’s the ultimate DIY story.

The Fantastic Four. So sixties “bad science,” it’s almost “good science.” Who knew “cosmic rays” could be so flexible in their application?

Jewel. Teenaged Jessica Jones was about to tell nerdy Peter Parker how she loves him for him — only to get interrupted by a freak accident involving a radioactive spider. Then she gets into a freak accident of her own involving a truck of radioactive chemicals (a bit of origin detail stolen directly from Daredevil’s) which kills the rest of her family. She goes comatose, only to awaken when Galactus sets foot on Earth for the first time and the Silver Surfer flies by her window. You wouldn’t think a casserole of metacomic wink-wink would read that well, but it damn sure does. J.J. might actually be a character created this century that actually sticks around for awhile. If she’s not a Skrull.

Cyclops. OK, yes, mutant — that part’s not especially memorable at this point (though to be fair, Cyke was one of the original five X-Men, making him one of the first official Marvel mutants). But having young Scott Summers’ father shove Scott and his little brother out of a malfunctioning airplane, only to have the parachute strapped to Scott’s back catch fire, leading to a high-velocity crash into a forest, leading to massive head trauma for Scott (largely because Scott was protecting his brother from the impact), thereby causing him not to have any control over the optic blasts he develops when his mutant genes kick in as a teenager? Yeah, that’s an origin.

Iron Man. While Tony Stark’s unfortunately suffering from a bit of the “timeslide” too common to characters whose origins are rooted too deeply in a certain era (like the Punisher, Stark’s story was originally rooted in the Vietnam conflict), the basic details of his origin (war profiteer/inventor kidnapped, injured, builds super-powered armor for survival/escape) have stood up to time well, as the recent blockbuster flick displayed so well.

I’m sure by now you’ve seen the sure-to-be-temporary Alex Ross redesign of Captain America debuting in January. It’s not a bad design, I think, if a bit overdone with Ross’ fondness for metallic materials; I actually like the callback to Cap’s original shield in the design of the chestpiece. And if, as speculated, it’s Bucky/the Winter Solider underneath the mask, then all of the black and the gun and the knife make sense for the character. So I’m cool with it, especially since we all know it’s just a placeholder until Steve Rogers somehow, some way comes back from the dead (later in 2008, I’m guessing).

But looking at the new costume brought me back to the Nubile Nineties, when pretty much every one of the major superhero icons got spruced up in horrendous new duds at some point (and pretty much every one of them reverted back to their classic look soon after). The list which follows isn’t anywhere near complete, but it does touch on some of the high points — or low points, if you’d rather — of mid-90’s superhero couture. (As always, make sure to stop by Project: Rooftop for some far, far better attempts at updating the iconic looks!)

Armor-Plated Captain America — The last time Cap got a serious costume update, it wasn’t by someone with the design sense of Alex Ross. In fact, I’m not sure it was someone with the design sense of my five-year-old. Here’s the deal: Steve Rogers’ body begins to break down because, I don’t know, he’s old or something. (Who paid attention to the details of any Marvel comic in the mid-90’s, really?) Anyway, Steve-O’s forced into wearing a star-spangled exoskeleton (read: armor) to keep his body from falling apart on him. (Ah, the 90’s! Just look at all that needless over-rendering! Good times.) Obviously at some point he got himself fixed up so that he could go back to his regular duds, but I couldn’t tell you how. And even if I could tell you, I honestly don’t think I’d care to.

Armor-Plated Batman — Surely you know the basics of the near-interminable Knightfall story which overran the Batman titles in the early part of the 90s by now: ‘roid-rager Bane snaps Batman’s back; a crippled Bruce Wayne handles the mantle of the Bat to serious nutjob Azrael, who adopts a ludicrously over-the-top armored costume for his time as Batman. While the look of the costume certainly matched the mental state and background of the character wearing it, the design itself was terrible and nearly impossible to draw in any way that didn’t look ridiculous, as you can see right over there on the laughable cover of Detective Comics #567 (drawn by Kelley “all humans have 300 ribs, right?” Jones).

Armor-Plated Daredevil — Why did Daredevil ditch his normal red togs for black-and-red armor? Because the 90s, that’s why. (OK, it’s because his secret identity became public knowledge and he, I dunno, thought that changing his costume would give the media something new to talk about during their next news cycle so they’d leave him the hell alone. How many times can this guy have his ID outed and deny it before the public stops believing him? Lindsay Lohan’s “rehab was so good for me, I’m never ever going to party anymore!” claims have more credibility at this point.)

Armor-Plated Booster Gold — Are you starting to sense a theme here? Booster, much like Captain America, needed his armor to say alive after getting an arm hacked off and other internal injuries. Luckily, Booster’s best friend was a super-genius and could cobble up some life-support armor for him that just happened to match the color scheme of his costume! (Yes, this was the start of the “darkening” of the Giffen-DeMatties Justice League that Dan DiDio has had such fun with over the last few years.)

(A quick note: While researching these god-awful monstrosities, I discovered that Dave Campbell had much these same thoughts two years ago; please go read his blog for more armored shenanigans, including a couple of heave-worthy costumes I didn’t even mention here.)

Bug-Girl Wasp — As part of the Avengers aptly-named mega-crossover “The Crossing,” most of the team got spiffy new designs courtesy of then-series artist Mike Deodato. Some of the uniforms were fairly decent (like the Scarlet Witch’s), some were just a little different (like Hawkeye’s or Thor’s) and some were… well, they turned the Wasp into a big orange-and-pink bug. [1] The design of Bug-Jan wasn’t particularly appealing, and the treatment of the character seemed even less so. Luckily, something positive came out of the Heroes Reborn/Heroes Return hooey which followed shortly after: this move was wiped off the books.

Electro Superman — Honestly, I don’t think I’d hate this costume or this power set… if it weren’t supposed to be Superman. I mean, c’mon, DC. Changing Superman so completely (and yes, they tried to pull the “No, this is permanent, we swear!” routine) was done just to get the media to look their way for a few moments. Was it worth it, DC? Was it worth absolutely bastardizing your number-one asset, just to get some play on CNN? sigh This is why nobody likes you, y’know. Everyone’s all cool to you to your face, but behind your back, they’re all “That sumbitch DC don’t got no respect, it’s all ‘Hey, look at us break Batman’s back!’ or ‘Hey, look, Superman done stuck his finger in a light socket, ooooh!’”

ahem Sorry. Moving on…

Noseless Wolverine — Does this count as a redesign, when it was really more of an obviously temporary state for the character? Well, I’m going to say yes, because if I don’t, then I can’t include this atrocity here. So something happened to Logan which regressed him to an even more animalistic state than normal (yes, again, I’m a bit fuzzy on the details), and apparently “more animalistic” when applied to Wolverines means “big fangs, poor posture and no nose.” Yet for all of the oddness to his appearance, the loss of his ability to speak in more than grunt, the dragging his knuckles along the ground… Logan still felt the need to tie a flap of cloth with eyeholes in it around his head to wear as a “mask.” Erm… wha huh?

Bike Shorts Wonder Woman — Don’t get me wrong here: I actually love me some bike shorts. But that doesn’t really say “Wonder Woman” to me, y’know? Neither does all the black. Also, another clue that we’re in the 90s: the jacket. Not an absolute travesty as compared to some of the other designs on this list, but if it weren’t for the “WW” motif, this design wouldn’t even be recognizable as Wonder Woman. (This design also qualifies as part of the “Temporarily Replacing An Icon With An Unworthy Stand-In” trend, which hit most every major hero at some point during the decade, but that’s for some later post. This one’s long enough already.)

Torn Hoodie Spider-Man — Oh, look, another installment of “Temporarily Replacing An Icon With An Unworthy Stand-In,” though I guess Spider-Man’s clone would theoretically be just as worthy as he, right? Anyway, once Ben Reilly, the aforementioned clone of Spidey, decided to take on his own Spideriffic identity, he threw together a red bodysuit and a ratty blue spider-emblazoned sweatshirt which would do Bill Belichick proud. And thus was born: the embarrassingly-named Scarlet Spider! This one counts as a redesign to me as since Ben even took over the lead role in the main Spider-Man books for a little while. This costume? Uuuugly, especially in comparison to the other new Spidey costume we got for awhile in the 90’s (the one now worn by Spider-Girl, Spider-Man’s alternate-timeline future daughter. Clones taking over for the characters from which they were cloned? Potential-future offspring from alternate realties? Who says comics are hard to penetrate for new readers!)

Skinhead Hulk — Not technically a costume redesign, true, but the hairless Hulk just never looked right to me. He looked more ridiculous than scary, even under the pencils of John Romita, Jr. During the early part of writer Bruce Jones’ run on The Incredible Hulk, Bruce Banner buzzed his dome in an attempt to hide from… well, everybody, since it seems that Banner-as-Hulk had done Something Bad. While we spent a lot of time with Baldie Bruce, we didn’t actually see a full shot of the Hulk for several issues as Jones built the Hulk up using the “what you don’t see is scarier” technique. And then, once we got a good look at Romita’s Hulk… I snickered when I should’ve been shuddering.

After some exhaustive research (read: marathon bathroom session where my only companion was George Perez’ 30th Anniversary Avengers poster), I arrived at a starting point for thinning Earth’s Mightiest Heroes & Others Dressed In A Similar Manner.

10. The Swordsman: That lavender getup is just your first clue that this isn’t Marvel’s Errol Flynn. He also betrayed the team (and his boy Hawkeye), and got led around by Li’l Swordsman so badly he wound up in the grave. And the gal he so blindly followed didn’t realize she loved him back until he was seconds away from death. And after she struck out with every single other Avenger on the roster. What kind of lame tramp could dare play such games with an F-list swashbuckler?

9. Mantis:

This kind.

I think Thor’s onto something.

(By the way, all of these panels are from the same comic. Ho, indeed.)

8.Spider-Man: That’s right, I said Spider-Man. Just look at his supporting cast here, symbols of his mundane little problems. How do his regular-guy hangups get any meaningful panels when he’s on a team with recovering alcoholics, mutants, gods, demi-gods, and a bipolar Superman?

7. Tigra: She’s furry and bikini-clad^[1]. That’s about it. And I bet Jarvis prays for her death every time he has to clean the curtains.

6. Rage: He stole (and subsequently lost) a quinjet just to impress the New Warriors. Because, y’know, being an Avenger wouldn’t be quite enough.

5. The Hulk: Stan Lee had him off the team by the end of the second issue. Iron Man eventually shot him into space. All because of a silly myth about what “green guys are packing” in their shredded purple jeans.

4. Silverclaw: If Challenge of the Super Friends was still on, having her as the shape-shifting, animal-emulating, Spanish-accented member would make it awesome.^[2] But this is Marvel Comics, not DC/Hanna-Barbera TV.

3. Dr. Druid: Even Warren Ellis couldn’t polish this hocus-pocus turd. So he did the next best thing: he had the Son of Satan light him on fire and stuff him in a garbage can. And the charlatan (who despite being a reknowned psychiatrist and a mentalist, wound up mind controlled or whacked out most of the time) had it coming. Just look:

There’s a tie at the top bottom! It’s a dead heat! One is truly dead, and the other has Death in her name. While there’s a reasonable distance between these two and the preceding eight, it was impossible for the staff here at JOB to select just one to stand alone.

1. Gilgamesh & Deathcry (tie): Why wasn’t Gilgamesh solving all the Marvel Universe’s problems in about 15 seconds? He certainly seemed to have whatever power the job required. Why did Marvel so completely and utterly destroy a character that they took such great pains to establish as immortal? And most importantly, why wasn’t he Avenged? Maybe if he’d re-thought that outfit (a little more black leather, a little less mall-kiosk gold)…

Speaking of mall-jewelry, we are all equally scarred by just how long Marvel kept around Deathcry, Warrior-Brat of the Shi’ar. Nothing says “1990’s comics” quite like a 30-something male writer trying to sound like a 16-year old girl to better relate to 13-year old boys. Well, that and naming the character “Deathcry”.

So, Marvel, feel free to use this list as a guideline for keeping these misfits away from Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. If you can’t resist the temptation, just bring back the Secret Defenders. Or staple your thumbs to your eyelids until the feeling passes.

[1]I will admit that is a pretty sweet Adam Hughes portrait, though.

[2]You got me–Challenge of the Super Friends would be awesome today no matter what.