Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

Today’s Question-

Dear Mr. Hex:
Recently, I’ve entered into an online relationship with a girl who lives about 700 miles away. She seems to be going through a rough patch financially, because she’s asked me for (and I’ve sent her) about $2,500 in the last three months. We’ve never actually met face-to-face, but I’m now convinced that I should quit my job as a supermarket assistant manager and move to be with her. I’ve tried to gauge how she feels about this possibility, but lately it’s gotten so hard to get even a word in with all the other people chatting with her during the webcasts from her bedroom. How can I tell if it’s time to overcome my fear and take that leap of faith in the name of love? You may be my only hope.

–Sleepless in Starkville

Jeezus H! In the time it took to finish reading your palaver, I came up with two plans.

First Plan:

1. Quit your job, go to where this “girl” lives (I’m not too savvy about those fancy computers, but… you’re sure she’s a girl, right?).
2. Ask her for your money back. If she says no, ask her to marry you and be done with it. If she refuses again, sing her Peter Cetera’s “The Glory of Love” from Karate Kid 2. I’m sure you know the words.
3. Start planning your wedding. It’s a’comin’, no doubt.

Second Plan:

1. Wire me $1,000. (Or PayPal it–didn’t say I was computer illiterate, just that I’m not that savvy.)
2. I go to see this “girl”.
3. I get your $2,500 by threatening to shoot her and her “boss” in the face.
4. $2,500 in hand, I shoot them both in the face for drawing on me as soon as I turn my back.

Only one has a chance at working–you guess which one and get back to me.

Jonah Hex is a life coach with over 140 years experience in counseling and conflict resolution. Send your request for guidance to j.hex@bulletsofwisdom.net or care of this site.

(This post’s title sort of brought to you by the great and powerful Paul Westerberg and his Replacements, who this weekend released a CD’s worth of material for 49 American pennies.)

As usual, New Comics Day doesn’t bring too cumbersome a bag o’ funnybooks my way, but I do like to glance at all the covers, just to see if they still make ‘em like they used to.

(C)2008 DC Comics

Sometimes they do.

(c) DC 2008

Somtimes they do, but don’t do it until 3 weeks later. (I’m sorry, if I wasn’t buying Batman already, the Alex Ross version of this cover wouldn’t have gotten my attention at all.)

Sometimes they really do, but only for an extra seven bucks, and only if your store got the comic.

Sometimes, they really, really do, and for a good cause. Do what I’m doing this week–ordering half the usual meatball sub and putting those leftover calorie-dollars to better  use.

(Y’know when someone prefaces their monologue with, “I don’t want to be a dick, but…”? That usually always means, “I’m about to be a dick”.)

Too much Anti-Life Equation, that’s the only explanation I can come up with for this to have made it into the published version of this week’s Justice Society #17.

One week only! Composers Amazing Man and Gog will perform their entire repertoire, called by some “the strongest”. Miss it at your own risk!

I don’t want to be a dick, but did he mean rapport?

In better Geoff Johns news, the rest of JSA was typically solid, even though he’s really just moving the story from predictable ground to Really Predictable Ground. Awakened demigod Gog isn’t happy about anything bad in the world and he apparently has the power to fix it all, even the bad things that happened to many of the JSA. So what are the odds that nothing is as good as it appears, and that the JSA’s gonna have a mini civil-war very soon?

In even better Geoff Johns news, Action Comics was jaw-droppingly good and my favorite book this week. Though he’s been taking care of Super-business for quite a while now, he’s really beginning to hit his stride in Action and not just saving his best blend of characterization and action for Green Lantern. In the course of finding out more about Braniac’s latest campaign, Supes (and the reader) gets some insight into his cousin (she actually lived through a Braniac assault as a “normal” Kryptonian and still carries scars. And we witness her teary eyed heat vision–powerful stuff.^[1]), his adopted father (he kept souvenirs!), and himself (he doesn’t really know what it’s like to miss home). For a change, he gets all of this while actually doing something instead of talking to everyone about it.

I bought non-Johns comics this week too, like Final Crisis:Requiem. Some of the negatives being thrown around elsewhere are valid (unnecessary to Final Crisis proper, a little long in the violence department), but overall, I thought it was a competently written and illustrated comic that did what it said it would: show a little more detailed version of J’onn J’onzz heroic last stand, remember his life and show what his last wishes were. The flipside, though: Green Arrow’s “He was my favorite Martian” line makes it almost impossible to defend this book.

[1]If there is a god, a god who like pretty comics, we’ll see a Gary Frank Supergirl book again one day.

Here’s a blast from the past, courtesy of a Marvel Bullpen Bulletins inside Avengers (volume 1) #71, 1969:

The only reason I even noticed this was the fact I’d just read Beau Smith’s terrific Busted Knuckles column, and his good-natured challenge to Marvel and DC to “give the readers one full year of stand-alone stories”.

I was a little surprised at the response he received. Most readers gave reasoned, if opposing viewpoints (notably Peter David, who never met a devil he couldn’t advocate), but some were downright unreasonable and almost angry at the suggestion. But why?

What about the challenge was so shocking or offensive (or “retarded”, as a poster at Mark Millar’s messageboard so politely put it^[1])? Yeah, how dare an industry veteran and a comics reader of (I’m guessing) 40 years or more question the current economic and editorial model employed by the Big 2?

What’s so wrong about suggesting that the all-important, most desirable new reader would be better served and welcomed into the fold more easily with 12 months of accessible, approachable stories, and then hitting them with some crossovers and mega-events after they’re hooked on the solid writing and satisfying resolution? For an audience that tends to bristle when labeled geeks, loners, losers, oddballs, anti-social misfits, or nerds, it was surprising to see a suggestion to bring in some new friends met with resistance at best and disdain and insult at worst.

Think about it this way: What if dating a girl ran like the comic industry the last few years?

You go on that first date (call it the “one-shot”), and it’s nicely done: she’s dolled up and pretty, the small talk’s fairly brisk and informative, but it’s more about setting up things in the future than it is talking about what’s going on right now. You wind things up with not even a peck on the cheek, but a promise of “to be continued”. Okay, you can certainly live with that, because a little mystery is nice and the promise of bigger things to come is always exciting, and hey, the one-shot was very satisfying (if a little more expensive than the typical night out)…

Six months later, you still haven’t gotten that peck on the cheek. What you have gotten is hundreds of dollars gone from your checking account for all the nights spent going on dates not just with her, but with various members of her family and circle of friends. Some of these are those “one-shots”, some of them are dates spread out over several weeks with different combinations, but all of them are dedicated to a single goal: giving you the tiniest, tiniest bit of additional info about the lady you’re trying to woo (and get that single peck on the cheek from).

Two months after all of that, due to philosophical changes implemented by said lady, you’ve had to go on dates with several more folks to explain or correct erroneous facts passed to you along the way, like she couldn’t possibly have been born at Woodstock in 1969 like her roommate told you back in March. (Whoops!)

At what point in this cycle would you say, “thanks, but no thanks” and return to chatting on the internet or playing Call of Duty 4 online or some other more immediately gratifying art-form? Would you even finish that first date if you were warned in advance that you might never get a reward of any kind for your contributions and devotion?

If you figure you’d be happy to last those eight months, I want to date you. It’d be a refreshing change from wanting to please my wife all the time.

[1]I would’ve put a link to the Millarworld thread from mid-June, but it’s already been deleted. I guess they can handle one week’s worth of Beau and that’s it.

Batman (arguably) places higher on the fanboy scale than Superman^[1], but why? If comics specialize in wish fufillment and escapism, you can’t get granted a much cooler wish than being bulletproof and able to fly, agreed?

Thing is, once you get beyond the first few pages of a Superman story, you know (or at least are reasonably sure) you’re never gonna fly your girlfriend to the Eiffel Tower, in your own arms anyway. Sure, he looks like you and me, has a real job and a wife and adoptive parents and that outsider subtext, but as a reader you never fully accept him as “like us”.

Batman’s another story. He is, for all his abilities and talents, only human. And that’s why we like Batman better. At the end of the day, he’s closer to us, and we like to feel like we have something in common with a hero. But it’s not just Batman readers can relate to. Many of us here in the real world have more in common with comic books than we think or care to admit.

They say art imitates life. And sometimes, comics imitate crazy. Here’s ten examples of ways we can all be like funnybooks, as usual in no particular order. And if you have three or more of these, you’re not mentally ill. You are, in fact, Batman.

1. Alcoholism/Chemical Dependency - Oh yeah, the suit’s cool and all, but Marvel didn’t sell tons of comics or cast Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark because the Iron Man suit is that cool. Ms. Marvel lost a prestigious job because she liked to get loaded. On the other side, DC loves to put a monkey on its bad guys’ backs, with Bane hooked on steroids (since cleaned up, I believe) and Mirror Master actually using his powers to be inside a mirror, the better to snort a line from the other side.

2. Schizophrenia – Again, Marvel loves to put the mental screws to its heroes, while DC has a separate cottage industry in nutjob villains (Arkham Asylum, anybody?): Marvel’s Sentry has this particular affliction bad, leading most of his writers to bring it up way more than they should. Just because he’s got two or three personalities doesn’t earn him three times the space in Mighty Avengers, okay? DC trots out Rose and Thorn, Dr. Polaris, The Ventiloquist, The Mad Hatter, and yes, Two-Face.

3. Stockholm Syndrome-

Y’know, where someone who’s kidnapped, a hostage, or a prisoner begins to sympathize or otherwise feel warmly towards their captor? Robin, take a bow. We don’t care which one.

4. Pyrophobia-

J’onn J’onzz, rest in peace. Captain Ultra, you get to carry the torch now. (Let it sit for just another moment… wait… not yet…okay, that was bad.)

ADDENDUM: Just realized most of you might not actually have read the above from Fantastic Four #177, in which Captain Ultra auditions for the Frightful Four (who do run into the Human Torch from time to time) IN THE BAXTER BUILDING.

 5. Sex Addiction -

The best of examples of this are probably on the hero side of the ledger (because bad guys with names like the Shocker just aren’t going to get that much action): Oliver Queen can’t seem to keep the Horndog Arrow in the quiver and routinely screws up his life, a common result of sex addiction. Batman? For somebody who “works alone”, he’s certainly gets busy, hooking up with one arch enemy and actually impregnating another foe’s daughter.

6. Claustrophobia

Um… Storm still suffers from it, I guess. This one’s not nearly as common in comics as the real world, as far as we know. But hey, these people operate in giant cities or huge mansions or even outer space, so maybe the situation never comes up. I just thought it was cool and dramatic and surprising in the early days of the Claremont/Cockrum X-Men.

7. Napoleon Complex -

Again with the DC villains and Marvel Heroes: Dr. Psycho has been a much better (and dangerous) character since DC started playing up the doctor’s overcompensation. On the Marvel end, I gotta think Hank Pym was operating under a fog of this Little Man Syndrome early in his career. After all, he only lasted one issue of Avengers as Ant-Man(with the Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man), before he had to do a 180 on day two, showing up as “Giant Man”.

8. Chiroptophobia -

Gotham City wouldn’t have been living in fear of bats for going on 60 years if this wasn’t cool. Anybody can be afraid of heights.

9. Megalomania/Delusions of Grandeur -

Pretty common in villainy across the board, but Lex Luthor and Victor Von Doom rewrite the texts nearly every year. (Except for Doom getting all street on Ms. Marvel in Mighty Avengers a few months back. That’s a whole other maladjustment that’s not on the list.) And give both publishers credit–both are the most enduring foes of their first superheroes, and neither has ever been a copy or caricature of the other, despite having similar motivations.

10. Fregoli Delusion

Not common at all, in either our world or the capes-n-tights one, but it does exist. Primarily so I could toss this image in. And the comic underneath this cover’s pretty bad-ass as well.

[1]I say arguably, but how many more Batman stories do you find in most fans’ top 20 list of all time comics than Superman stories? I rest my case.

Tim: Unlike any other previous miniseries or even regular story arc, I’ve decided to read the entire series as a whole each time a new issue comes out. Sure, my comic-buying process required me to immediately read the latest installment over Chinese on New Comics Day, but I did read both issues together last night, the better to feel the rhythm of the work. I think I got more out of Final Crisis this way, and will continue until further notice.

First thing I noticed under the new method? The art, while solid in #1, was stunning in #2.

Allen: As much as I enjoyed this issue, I’m still wondering where, exactly, Morrison’s going with this story. We’re two issues into a seven-issue series with the word “crisis” in the title, implying some sort of multiversal shakeup, and the multiverse is, so far, just a bit part of one of the storylines weaving through the series. I have every faith that Morrison has something planned, but these first two issues have really all been setup. And I have a feeling that #3 will also be setup for The Big Stuff which will start going down in #4.

T: I don’t know… I’d say “RUN!” was a pretty charged way to end part two and send us hurtling into part three. Yeah, there’s some continuing setup, but the mood that goes along with that (creepy and dire) is right on for me. And the pace is a little quicker in #2, as it should have been if he’s giving us some kind of “full on, no bull&@%& twilight of the gods” in #3. The question: is there a story being told in Final Crisis so far, or is it just A Repository of Hints? I side with “story”, though the extended caveman bit in #1 has to be some kind of treasure chest of clues, right? That’s the only explanation I see for how long that dragged out. And the 4th-wall-breaking opening page to FC #2 is probably more informative than my lazy butt’s willing to discover.

A: This seems like it would be a good time to break in tell our readers to go check out Douglas Wolk’s Final Crisis Annotations — he had the first batch of annotations for #2 up by yesterday afternoon, and he has some really good stuff on there I certainly didn’t catch.

T: Good stuff I didn’t catch? For me, that was Sonny Sumo. Had no idea he was a Kirby 4th World creation. Didn’t care that I didn’t know and I enjoyed his appearance anyway (the half-finished heart transplant that skeeved us out a little notwithstanding).

A: I can’t believe I didn’t catch the reference to Flash #163 on the first page. And I know you didn’t, either, based on what you said above.

T: Totally missed that. And it does bolster your point about the added benefit to looking for that kind of Easter egg. I just have a harder time reading anything from that point of view at the same time I’m trying to absorb surface-level action-n-talkin’. If I do analyze a comic like FC in more depth, I’m usually more jazzed when I see something that charges the atmosphere or emphasizes What’s Going On (the Human Flame’s getting video of Libra and of J’onn’s execution on a “DAMRUNG” phone, for example) than I am at some quarter-inch billboard in the background of page 2, panel 4 telling you What’s Going to Happen In the End.

Which makes me ask: should the reader really have to embark on some panel-by-panel dissection of Final Crisis? Should they even want to? Is there that much caché in guessing the Shocker before it happens in print? In knowing exactly who all these characters are? These are Grant Morrison comics, not M. Night Shyamalan movies.

A: I don’t think they have to, but I think it’s rewarding that they can. The fact that Morrison has clearly put a lot of thought into what’s going on and tried to load it down with symbolism and foreshadowing adds to that feeling that this story is something Epic and Important. It’s part of what makes reading Watchmen so rewarding (not that I’m saying this series is on the level of Watchmen, mind you) — I’ve read Watchmen seven times and I’m still catching bits I had never noticed before. It’s nice to see the creators taking their work so seriously.

Also, you certainly nailed the “mood” part. Creepy and dire it is — there’s definitely a feeling that we’re building up to something Big and Unspeakably Evil. I still have the feeling that the “multiversal upheaval” is going to require a rebuilding of the universe(s) after Evil destroys all of the good, including killing all or most of the DCU’s heroes. (Which could mean that the characters who implicitly died in the issues, and J’onn J’onzz in the last, could be Actually Really Dead yet still be back good as new when this series is done.)

But if that hypothesis is even in the right ballpark — that this series will result in some kind of redesigned or rebuilt DCU, whatever form that takes — well, it certainly seems like none of the rest of the DCU books are playing along right now, doesn’t it? It doesn’t feel like the books in the rest of the line are building toward any sort of apocalyptic (or Apokoliptic?) death-and-rebirth. Seems like the creators many of the books have long-term plans which don’t involve the Cosmic Reset Button. And if Morrison is going to be rebooting the DCU (in whatever form that takes), shouldn’t the rest of the line be playing along? (Though with what we’ve seen of DC editorial over the last few months, it’s likely not safe to assume that there would be any interoffice editorial communication.)

T: Is Morrison’s Batman R.I.P. even one of the threads to be woven into FC? Doesn’t read like it.

A: I agree — it’s just about the only book which we’ve been told is pretty directly Final Crisis-related… but so far, I’m having trouble seeing how. Given the high-concept pitches of both series, I don’t know how they’re going to be part of the same story, though given that Morrison’s writing both, I’m sure he’s up to something.

It’s inevitable that we stack up what’s gone on here so far against Marvel’s own summer megalith, Secret Invasion (a series we’ve talked about surprisingly little on this site so far). Compare and contrast the Final Crisis arc thus far to Secret Invasion’s: SI might have jumped right into the Big Action more quickly, but Big Action happened in #1 which hasn’t been even referenced again in the main series — for instance, opening the Negative Zone inside the Baxter Building. I don’t think that’s going to be an issue with Final Crisis. I think we’ll get some serious payoff for what’s been set up already. If FC is Batman Begins — more thoughful, leisurely-paced — then SI is Transformers, bigger and louder and punchier. Both have their place, but I think FC will wind up feeling more cohesive and, ultimately, satisfying.

T: Except Michael Bay didn’t make you go watch Iron Man to see how we got from Point A to Point B in Transformers. (Or more accurately, Transformers didn’t have an intermission during which you really should go to the lobby to watch these Mighty Transformers and New Transformers DVD’s.) I think both Big Events will satisfy in different ways, as you say.

A: A digression: at what point, exactly, did the comics industry decide to give up the pretense that we were expecting kids to be reading comics? Not that this topic is specific to FC #2 (and not that it’s the first time I’ve talked about it), but it occurred to me while reading it — the original Crisis on Infinite Earths, which was to DC 1985 what Final Crisis is to DC 2008, didn’t have a freshly-ripped-from-its-owner’s-chest heart in a bar glass. It also certainly didn’t feature the word “asshole” — the strongest cursing you got in mainstream comics back then was an occasional “hell” or “damn,” and Marvel wouldn’t even use those. It’s not that I have a problem with either element on their own — I mean, c’mon, Preacher is one of my favorite comics ever. But Preacher is clearly marked NOT FOR KIDS. Final Crisis is DC’s flagship event for the summer, kids are going to be reading it, and I think maybe a little more editorial control and forethought could’ve gone into those elements of the story.

T: “Asshole,” while character- appropriate, really took me out of the scene. There was an awful lot of @!$&#$ being used, so why let that one blue word go? It sucked all the coolness out of “…give you brain damage with a toilet seat!”

A: My thought exactly — it would’ve taken nothing from the story to throw a “@!$&#$” in there instead.

T: So do you want to talk about some of the happenings this issue? To me, that Libra “co-plot” (not really a subplot, not quite the main thrust) needs to do something different or just more in #3. It hasn’t strayed too far from Underworld Unleashed at this point.

A: Yup, I think that’s a plotline that’s going to blossom next issue, likely with the return (somehow, some way) of Darkseid. (Funny to think of it as a “return” when he hasn’t been “gone” very long at all.)

T: What are the odds that Libra’s “boss” isn’t Darkseid? Long, I’m sure, but hear me out: If Libra’s all about the balance, and Darkseid represents the idea that Evil Won, wouldn’t someone like Libra be a counter to that? Maybe’s he’s giving the bad guys what they want in exchange for something that’s gonna bring the Goodness back.

A: Hmm, not sure I buy that theory, but if it turns out to be true, I’ll certainly give you all due credit! I’m pretty sure “the boss” is indeed Darkseid — in fact, I think Morrison or Johns might have admitted as much in an interview with Newsarama around the time of DC Universe #0. Might have to go look that up. I think the theory was that the balance Libra was correcting was the fact that good guys always come out on top in the current DCU — it was time for the bad guys to win a few rounds. But I suppose we’ll see! (Let’s not even get into the “Libra is Barry Allen” theory just yet…)

T: Oh, I realize Darkseid’s the Big Bad here — I’m just wondering if we’re just assuming Libra’s working for him. Again, the odds are long that he’s not. (And to the Barry Allen as Libra supporters: Morrison can twist with the best of ‘em, but he’s more conventional than he gets credit for. I wouldn’t even bet my copy of Zero Hour #0 on this happening.)

Bludhaven as a Apokolips Firepit franchise — this was truly chilling, and succeeds mightily in a crucial way for something Final and Crisis: it suspends that belief that the good guys will always find a way to save the DCU. Even if you only allow a .0001% chance of it happening, you do allow it. Bravo, with emphasis on the “brrrrr”.

A: And I think what Morrison’s very strongly getting it is that this time, they’re not going to find a way to save the DCU — at least not until after the fact.

T: Overall? I say the last page of FC #2 is a blatant shout from Glorious Grant that we’re going to be moving a lot more quickly from here on out. And while I admit there are rewards available by reading the book with one eye on a magnifying glass and the other on Wikipedia, there’s also a thrilling ride to be had by letting the story itself do the driving and not worry so much about seeing every mile marker and street sign on the way to the final destination.

After a couple of days laborously posting in two places, our old blog Jimmy Olsen’s Blues has been officially reborn here at Thunderdog. To point JOB readers in the right direction, I enlisted the aid of –who else but–newsman Perry White:

Now that we’re all here… let the celebration begin! Here’s a blank one for you to play along with. Help Perry White by giving voice to his all-consuming rage towards Archie Andrews’ Ugly Clone, rage that he’s kept in check until today. Prove your genius by emailing said expression to tim@thunderdog.com .

I’d say we’ll post the best ones, but at this stage of the game, we’ll be posting every single one we get.

Welcome, thanks for coming, and stick around! It’ll get better.

So I’m starting to formulate what I’m sure is an entirely off-base, probably nonsensical theory about Grant Morrison’s Final Crisis. [1] This idea of mine comes both from some history of Morrison’s and from, of all places, statements by trade dress designer Chip Kidd and artist Gene Ha, who doesn’t even have anything to do with this book.

Let me ’splain.

I’ll start with Ha’s comments, which were made last September in passing as part of an explanation for the huge delays behind his and Morrison’s run on The Authority:

“First off, I don’t think The Authority #3 by Grant Morrison and Gene Ha is ever coming out. Grant is busy redesigning the DC Universe and I’ve moved onto new projects.”

I think that’s the first place I’d seen reference to that idea of Morrison “redesigning the DC Universe,” or at least put quite in terms quite that specific. We knew even then that Final Crisis was going to be another epic multiverse-shaking story, but little was known about what sort of result the series was going to have. (Honestly, we still don’t know that much about it; DC’s been doing a damn good job of not letting that particular secret slip.)

So we know (or can at least theorize with some degree of certainty) that when Morrison’s done, the DCU will have been changed in some way, likely with his particular brand of highly imaginative neo-retro fusion. (Really, if you were going to redesign or modernize/futurize a comics universe from the ground up, wouldn’t Grant Morrison be on or close to the top of your list of creators you’d want involved?)

The second bits of info which got my neurons rubbing together to form this wild-ass theory came from Chip Kidd when discussing the distinctive, if thus-far uninspiring, FC trade dress:

NRAMA: So what went into the process for Final Crisis’ look?

CK: Well, to start with Final Crisis – the big thing that no one would be able to know yet, and I won’t get too specific here, but for the people that think it’s a generic look – wait. By the third issue, you’ll start to get it. Basically, the trade dress dissolves. So, it’s starting out as something now, and by the second issue, it will be slightly different, the third issue, even more different, and between the third and fourth issue, I hope people will get it, and understand what we were doing all along. It might not make people like it any better, but they’ll at least understand what I have in mind. It’s an evolving trade dress. … There are people who are in the talkbacks saying that DC is just riffing off Civil War, but again – wait and see. By the fourth issue, you’ll realize that’s not what we’re doing. We’re doing something else.

So the trade dress is going to start to dissolve and turn into something else which will be apparent — or at least the direction will — by the third or fourth issue. This implies to me either the current dress and logo will “fall away” to reveal something new underneath, or will degrade and reform into something new over the last half of the series’ seven issues.

I don’t think what’s revealed or regrown will be simply a reworked presentation of what came before. I think it will be something entirely new.

I think the title of this series is going to change halfway through, or perhaps begin to change only to be complete at the end of the series.

Title and trade dress are important to Morrison. When he took over X-Men in 2001, he changed the name of the book to New X-Men precisely because he’d designed a logo for it which could be rotated 180 degrees and read the same. He had Marvel redesign the trade dress for all of the X-Men books to make them more visually distinct from the rest of Marvel’s line. I think to him these elements of comic books have more meaning than beyond the simple graphic appeal of them — while I’m not willing to say for sure it ties into Morrison’s interest in magic, it’s possible that it does, but at the very least ties into his penchant for meta-story. The trade dress of many of his books say something about the books themselves.

So I’m looking at the words “Final Crisis.” And I know that Morrison is building a new DCU. And I know the trade dress is going to change. And I know that there’s a tremendous battle halfway through the series which, I speculate, is going to result in the deaths of most or all of the DC heroes. And I know that Morrison’s using Jack Kirby’s Fourth World creations extensively in this series.

And while I can’t say for sure exactly what’s going to happen…

…I want to note that it wouldn’t take a lot of work visually for the word “Crisis” to evolve into the word “Genesis.” (New Genesis, remember, is Kirby’s “good twin” of Darkseid’s evil planet Apokalips.)

When this series becomes Something Genesis by issue #7, launching the shiny new Morrison-ized DCU, I want you to remember where you heard it first.

[1] That’s not to dismiss the work of artist JG Jones, by the way; it’s just that this particular notion of mine lies along the story and meta axes, so it’s much more in Morrison’s court than Jones’.

Which one of Wally Wood’s 22 Panels That Always Work would you say this is?



At least we can tell which one of Gerry Conway’s Sound Effects That Are Always Hilarious is in play here.
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All-Star Comics #58, written by Gerry Conway, drawn by Ric Estrada and, yes, Wally Wood. (DC Comics 1976, reprinted in the Justice Society Vol. 1 trade paperback in 2006)