Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

(This post’s title sort of brought to you by the great and powerful Paul Westerberg and his Replacements, who this weekend released a CD’s worth of material for 49 American pennies.)

As usual, New Comics Day doesn’t bring too cumbersome a bag o’ funnybooks my way, but I do like to glance at all the covers, just to see if they still make ‘em like they used to.

(C)2008 DC Comics

Sometimes they do.

(c) DC 2008

Somtimes they do, but don’t do it until 3 weeks later. (I’m sorry, if I wasn’t buying Batman already, the Alex Ross version of this cover wouldn’t have gotten my attention at all.)

Sometimes they really do, but only for an extra seven bucks, and only if your store got the comic.

Sometimes, they really, really do, and for a good cause. Do what I’m doing this week–ordering half the usual meatball sub and putting those leftover calorie-dollars to better  use.

Just got done posting a quick comment on Warren Ellis’ Fell on his newish message board (replacing the near-utopian-in-comic-related-boards Engine) and realized it would have been even better posted on my very own cybermegaphone. Enjoy, ye who’ve waited these months for new content. I’m starting to appreciate the structure and presentation of Fell: The Series almost as much as I enjoy Fell: The Stories.

Like most good episodic television shows, it’s not a stringent requirement to access prior installments to enjoy the current one. The disuse of modern-funnybookish “cliffhangers”, “story-arcs”, and “future story-arc teasers disguised as subplots” keeps the interval between issues from being a “wait” situation; Fell comes out when it comes out. Not that I wasn’t delighted to see Fell on the shelves this week, but I didn’t ever catch myself thinking, “Christ, it’s been forever since #8 came out! I’m not gonna enjoy #9 as much, due to the waiting between issues.”

True, there’s probably (read: obviously) some backstory living in Mr. Ellis’ notebooks and scribbled on liquor market receipts, but the stories that begin and end inside a single floppy alleviate that burning need to see that history explicitly portrayed for me. I know it’s there, but Fell in its current state kind of forces the reader (this reader) to exist in Snowtown’s Now. The possibility that we might never find out the whys and wherefores of Detective Fell’s consignment to Snowtown, or that there actually won’t be a detailed six-part miniseries titled “Fell: Owsley, What’s The Deal With Your Leg?” never seems to dog my thoughts while I’m immersed in the latest update.

End of gushing rant.

My overview on Fell #9: Typical Fell, atypical comic: solid, satisfying, and yet another Comic to Wave At Sniffling “Real” Fiction Snobs.

Now, what stuck with me specifically about this issue?

“…rich like astronauts.”

I am now off to start a band, write songs, and record an album, just to title said recording “Rich Like Astronauts”.

And if you’re reading this blog and not reading Fell, I don’t really know what to do with you.

Here’s the first in a series, actually approved by Internet Jesus Himself. Just look:

In a message dated 17/08/2007 10:28:52 GMT Standard Time, TIM writes: Getting to the point: I adore Fell, and would love to feature a Fell panel every so often ^sure

And so we go. Thanks, Mr. Ellis.

Coming to CBS this fall…

CSI: SNOWTOWN

Series premiere. And also the series finale.

^{From Fell #6, by Warren Ellis and Ben Templesmith (Image Comics 2006)}

So Rob Liefeld and Youngblood are back at Image Comics, only eleven years after the other founding Imagers told him he was no longer welcome in their Gilded Palace of Overdrawn Hardbodies. (Yes, I know Image has diversified quite a bit since then, but we are talking 1996 here.)

Can someone please explain to me how in hell he keeps finding companies to agree to publish his work? Tying back into my post on lateness from a few days ago, hasn’t he demonstrated beyond all doubt a complete inability to meet his professional obligations? Has he finished any of the projects he’s begun over the last few years? Most of the Image founders have experienced/created more than their fair share of delayed comics over the last fifteen years, but Liefeld’s the one with the most projects which simply never saw market.

I have trouble imagining that Liefeld really still has that many fans. As far as I can tell, he seems to generate more mockery than adulation. It doesn’t seem like his work sells all that well when it actually comes out [1]; unlike some of his once-and-future Image mates, he hasn’t been able to keep his work Out There on the shelves and in the public eye. I’ve read what feels like hundred of articles about the return of Youngblood and other bits of Liefeldia over the years, but rarely have I seen the product actually out in the wild. Or heard much mention of it except when those press releases come out.

I think the answer must come from his boundless enthusiasm for his creations; he may be a truly terrible, terrible artist, but at least he’s excited about his work. Borderline obnoxiously so. Making comics obviously completely jazzes him, and that’s fantastic — but it also seems as though he only has so many pieces in his Big Bucket O’ Enthusiasm Legos, and to build up excitement for one project he has to take pieces away from another, and once he’s lost that initial energy for a project, he lets it drop. Maybe that’s not what happens; maybe legitimate reasons, creative or otherwise, pop up and derail every project he touches, but I’m betting it’s that loss of enthusiasm which consistently cripples his output.

(I’m not coming down too harshly on Liefeld for that bit of flakiness. I can totally understand that particular affliction; I tend to do the exact same damn thing. But I don’t have entire comics companies, and the livelihoods of all of their employees, rising and falling based on my ADD creative whims.)

I think of Rob Liefeld the same way I think of George Lucas, to some degree: he’s someone who needs to be The Idea Guy. He should be The Guy Behind the Guy, almost more of an “executive producer” of comic books than one of the actual hands-on creatives. He’s got some ideas which could be turned into something good when implemented by more talented, more dedicated people, and he’s managed to get some big-name creators to work with him over the years (hell, Alan Friggin’ Moore contributed quite a bit to the Liefeldverse). I’m hoping that’s the direction he’s going in with this new series from Image. That seems to be the case, as Liefeld’s only providing covers and letting writer Joe Casey do the heavy creative lifting.

And hey, if he doesn’t, at least we can look forward to more press releases late next year touting the return of Youngblood somewhere else.

[1] I’ll admit I don’t have any numbers to back this claim up, and I’m willing to be proven wrong if someone can do so.