Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

Today’s Question:

I once killed a girl with her own knife, but she was later resurrected by some Ninjas. Could I be tried for that crime now? Doesn’t there have to be a dead body or something? -Never Miss in Millersville Funny you should ask! Not that I need a reason of any kind to bring this up, but two of my girlfriends were murdered by the same guy. And while one of them managed to come back from the dead, unfortunately, she’s not the one who did porn. (Don’t judge me. When you work two jobs like I do, there’s usually no time for lovin’, so in that aspect of the relationship, efficiency is key.)

Oh, and you’re totally in the clear on that “kinda-sorta” murder, under that “no body” reasoning. (I like your instincts! Have you ever considered a job in law? Shoot me an email! I’ll read it with my fingertips!)

Matt Murdock is a licensed attorney who’s only been disbarred once. Email your legal queries to imnotdaredevil.really.imnot@marvellaw.com or in care of Jimmy Olsen’s Blues.

So I see on @superpow3r’s Twitter feed this morning that the tabloid AM New York has an early-morning spoiler about who will be elected the new mayor of Marvel New York City in today’s Amazing Spider-Man #591.

And my first thought was: there’s only one possible person who could be elected mayor of New York which could possibly be that interesting that any tabloid would run a story on it this morning.* And whaddayaknow, I was exactly right! Just from reading that there existed a link to the tabloid which had the spoiler. I’m a pretty bright guy and all, but if I got the Big Twist from that little fact alone…I’m thinking it’s probably not quite the shocker** Marvel expected it to be. (In all fairness, whether it’s truly a massive surprise or not, this development could lead to exactly the kinds of odds-stacked-against-him stories Spider-Man is known for. I have a hunch it’ll play better than Oliver Queen-as-mayor of Star City did..)

And hey, this looks like a brilliant opportunity to kick off our DIY Humor feature which I made up right this very second! Think you’ve got a better idea for who should be the new mayor of Marvel New York than [name redacted]? Well, show us!

DIY Humor: The New Mayor of Marvel New York

Take the image above and insert who you think would make a good/horrible mayor. Bonus points if it’s someone who’ll make Spidey’s life a living hell, because, well, Spidey’s just not Spidey if he’s not spouting wisecracks while suffering immensely. Post your doctored image to your own blog or site and either email us your entry at crew@jimmyolsensblues.com or just ping us back. We’ll provide a list of all entries we get, so all seven of our readers will see your stabs at humor!

By the way, maybe those of you who read ASM on a regular basis can tell me: has [name redacted for those who might actually be spoiled by this] actually been running for mayor? Or is this supposed to be the result of some surprisingly massive write-in campaign?

* Well, unless Marvel decided Norman Osborn had time to for mayorial duties as well. Or maybe Barack Obama — he seems to sell a lot of comics these days.

** Now if Spidey nemesis The Shocker were elected mayor…

Shhh… it’s a Secret Invasion! All Some of your questions will be answered.

Allen: My big complaint with this issue: nothing happened. Really. How did this issue advance the plot at all? There were entire pages and scenes which did nothing but remind us that characters and situations were still dangling out there unresolved and did nothing to un-dangle them. The scene with Jarvis and Maria Hill on the (mysteriously crashed in the Bermuda Triangle rather than New York) Helicarrier, for instance? Did nothing. This series is only eight issues long, and having an entire issue which only served to prove two suspected Skrulls actually yes indeedy were Skrulls was a bit disappointing.

Tim: I guess Bendis has had enough, and now he’s going to show the whiners what decompression really looks like. That Helicarrier scene advanced that particular plot point about 5 seconds, still without answering the “how’d they end up in the Atlantic Ocean” head-scratcher. I’m starting to think he just forgot what he wrote in issue 1, or that Leinil Yu drew the wrong thing there.

(Totally unrelated Bendis note. He’s had more than one line featuring a request to “hold steady”… I’m wondering if he likes my current favorite band The Hold Steady. I hope so–that would almost make up for his storytelling glitches in Secret Invasion.)

The main title in the company-spanning crossover is becoming the highlight reel, the clip show, of the event (“This Skrull’s having the Best Invasion Ever!”). That doesn’t fill me with delight as a reader on a budget. Final Crisis, for its much worse critical beating online, is at least a coherent flow of complete scenes, not swatches of plot more fully presented in several other comics.

A: Didn’t we already have the big ending-page Thor reveal in Civil War? Did we need to do that again already? It kind of loses a bit of it’s “Oh shit!” oomph when it’s a rerun.

T: We didn’t need to, but I’m not ready to retire that kind of cheesy comic book thrill quite yet. I liked it a lot. And how dare you refer to that Civil War monstrosity as Thor (even though for all intents and purposes, it was Thor on that page)?

A: How do we know this Thor isn’t a Skrull coming down to sow more discord in our already-paranoid heroes? Maybe Bendis is now just lifting whole scenes from Millar… (OK, yes, I do realize that seems more than a bit unlikely.)

Anyway, we did get some fairly sweet Black Widow action in this issue, dispatching two 70s Skrulls who were already pretty damn high on the “Of Course They’re Skrulls” list. But I maintain that this Black Widow is a Skrull – even putting aside the visual hint of the closeup on her green eyes (likely a misdirection at this point), the Widow’s appearance and personality haven’t been all that consistent over the last couple of years. Hell, they’re not consistent now between the Avengers books and Captain America.

T: I think that’s an intentional misdirection with the ‘green eyes’ thing. I believe we’re seeing the actual Natasha Romanov, a product of inconsistent writing, not Skrull perfidy.

But, playing along, what if there’s more than one Black Widow running around? We’ve already seen^[1] the Skrulls impersonate someone while that someone is still running around free and clear – remember, the Skrulls have always been able to impersonate humans, and only a select few have been able to roam undetected.

A: I agree with you there – if this is indeed a Skrull Widow, then the Natasha running around in Captain America is not. And she’d be a perfect character to fill that particular multiple-places, multiple-looks, multiple-personalities role – she’s a superspy, that’s pretty much what she does. She’s able to be anybody, so really, she could be anybody.

Anyway, we’re now to the point where Bendis is pretty much admitting you can’t just read Secret Invasion itself if you want anything approaching the whole story. In an interview with Comic Book Resources, he said:

Sometimes when new characters come from out of nowhere and do a little dance it can be a little jarring. “Who’s this?” But we’ve already introduced these characters in “Mighty Avengers” and I was really proud of that. But now some people are going, “I wish I didn’t know anything about them.” I just can’t win.

So, Brian, you introduced these characters in a separate series, one which supposedly will provide optional backstory and not required material, so you don’t have to do anything whatsoever to introduce these brand-new characters, or tell us anything about their powers or even their names? Having their pictures on the first page with their names attached wasn’t really enough. It was bad enough throwing the out-of-costume Young Avengers in to previous issues without any effort at explaining who they are, but for characters who’ve been seen in exactly one other book before this, it’s almost unforgivable.

T: My nit-pick about the appearance of these new characters – the “Secret Commandos,” not that you’d know their team name from reading any of Secret Invasion – is the timing (so I guess I’m in the “I wish I didn’t know anything about them” camp). It would’ve been cooler, not to mention would’ve added some badly needed dramatic oomph to this main series, to see Fury show up out of nowhere with them at the end of SI #3, show ‘em in action in SI #4, then “introduce” them in the same month’s New Avengers. The previous tie-in issues could still have kept the “present-day” SI related pages with different flashback material; it would’ve hurt nothing. Marvel and Secret Invasion could have benefited, gathered some dramatic coin, from those readers wondering “Who the hell are these guys with Nick Fury?” and demanding more details. The way it was presented here, I’m feeling cheated by being told (again) that you only have to read the main series and that everything else is optional, when that’s clearly not the case.

And speaking of the Young Avengers: Does cover artist Gabrielle Dell’Otto only speak Italian? Couldn’t anyone at Marvel emailed him (in Italian) the plot to SI #4, so maybe he could’ve painted Nick Fury with the Secret Commandos and not the Young Avengers?

A: The thing that bothered me most about the Secret Commandos’ appearance here was that we have no idea why they were able to come in, spend two or three minutes mopping up Skrulls while the rest of the assembled heroes couldn’t. It really served to make the Young Avengers look pathetic. Yes, these new guys were “off the radar” and so the Skrulls didn’t know anything about them, but it still seemed a bit too easy for them, especially compared to what happened with the Young Avengers. I guess having Nick Fury on your team will do that for you, huh?

T: While Secret Invasion #4 suffered a little in comparison to the first three parts, it’s not awful for its defects. I do think the series will markedly improve beginning with next month’s edition, based on the good things we saw in #4:

• Through the novel idea of moving Agent Brand’s plot forward, we see where Reed Richards is and we have a good guy behind enemy lines – let the suspenseful rescue attempt begin!
• The Hood/Merry Marvel Marching Secret Society of Super-Villains bit was as “hell yeah” as Patton Oswalt hinted it would be back in March.
• Fury shooting Ms. Marvel and leaving her for dead makes me want to find out what was behind his decision and what’s next for her; that’s good funnybooking – make us fretful about a hero.

A: Agreed on all counts, and plus, we also have Thor and the new Captain America coming in, and it looks like we’re on the verge of having Iron Man back in action. I think you’re right that the mid-series lull will be coming to an end next month.

T: I’m pretty sure all of the players are on the field now (even if we’re still not sure which team they’re suiting up for), so that creates a lot more space for invading, resisting, and avenging in the second half of Secret Invasion itself. Patience, kids! You’re already waiting 30 days for each part; let’s give Bendis the full 8 months to show us something this big.

Who knows? We may even get the answer to our Helicarrier question.

[1] Well, we’ve seen this if we’ve read any Ms. Marvel lately…see what we mean?

Here’s a blast from the past, courtesy of a Marvel Bullpen Bulletins inside Avengers (volume 1) #71, 1969:

The only reason I even noticed this was the fact I’d just read Beau Smith’s terrific Busted Knuckles column, and his good-natured challenge to Marvel and DC to “give the readers one full year of stand-alone stories”.

I was a little surprised at the response he received. Most readers gave reasoned, if opposing viewpoints (notably Peter David, who never met a devil he couldn’t advocate), but some were downright unreasonable and almost angry at the suggestion. But why?

What about the challenge was so shocking or offensive (or “retarded”, as a poster at Mark Millar’s messageboard so politely put it^[1])? Yeah, how dare an industry veteran and a comics reader of (I’m guessing) 40 years or more question the current economic and editorial model employed by the Big 2?

What’s so wrong about suggesting that the all-important, most desirable new reader would be better served and welcomed into the fold more easily with 12 months of accessible, approachable stories, and then hitting them with some crossovers and mega-events after they’re hooked on the solid writing and satisfying resolution? For an audience that tends to bristle when labeled geeks, loners, losers, oddballs, anti-social misfits, or nerds, it was surprising to see a suggestion to bring in some new friends met with resistance at best and disdain and insult at worst.

Think about it this way: What if dating a girl ran like the comic industry the last few years?

You go on that first date (call it the “one-shot”), and it’s nicely done: she’s dolled up and pretty, the small talk’s fairly brisk and informative, but it’s more about setting up things in the future than it is talking about what’s going on right now. You wind things up with not even a peck on the cheek, but a promise of “to be continued”. Okay, you can certainly live with that, because a little mystery is nice and the promise of bigger things to come is always exciting, and hey, the one-shot was very satisfying (if a little more expensive than the typical night out)…

Six months later, you still haven’t gotten that peck on the cheek. What you have gotten is hundreds of dollars gone from your checking account for all the nights spent going on dates not just with her, but with various members of her family and circle of friends. Some of these are those “one-shots”, some of them are dates spread out over several weeks with different combinations, but all of them are dedicated to a single goal: giving you the tiniest, tiniest bit of additional info about the lady you’re trying to woo (and get that single peck on the cheek from).

Two months after all of that, due to philosophical changes implemented by said lady, you’ve had to go on dates with several more folks to explain or correct erroneous facts passed to you along the way, like she couldn’t possibly have been born at Woodstock in 1969 like her roommate told you back in March. (Whoops!)

At what point in this cycle would you say, “thanks, but no thanks” and return to chatting on the internet or playing Call of Duty 4 online or some other more immediately gratifying art-form? Would you even finish that first date if you were warned in advance that you might never get a reward of any kind for your contributions and devotion?

If you figure you’d be happy to last those eight months, I want to date you. It’d be a refreshing change from wanting to please my wife all the time.

[1]I would’ve put a link to the Millarworld thread from mid-June, but it’s already been deleted. I guess they can handle one week’s worth of Beau and that’s it.

Astonishing X-Men #25 might be the twenty-fifth issue of this series (twenty-sixth if you could the Giant-Size issue), but for all practical purposes, it might as well be the first. This issue serves as a fresh introduction to largely the same cast we’ve been reading about previously — though the issue contains almost no action whatsoever, it manages to move along quickly and provide plenty of necessary character and plot information in an entertaining — frequently hilarious — way.

One advance reviewer claimed that the characters’ voices don’t sound the way they did during Whedon’s issues. And that’s true enough, I suppose, though of course it’s to be expected with the change in writers – Whedon and Ellis have very different writerly voices. They don’t sound like Whedon’s writing them. They sound like Ellis is writing them. The important thing, though, is that their underlying personalities and motivations are fundamentally the same. Anyone who’s been reading the previous issues of this series won’t feel like they’ve been dropped into an entirely new batch of characters.

What has changed is the title’s overall feel and direction. Unsurprisingly, given Ellis’ involvement and his noted disdain for superheroes, the book feels a little less superhero-y and a little more science hero-y and more than a little more detective-y. But he’s also not forsaking the superhero motifs, either, and in fact plays them up and riffs on them several times, especially where costumes and code names are concerned.

Simone Bianchi’s artwork, while beautifully rendered, is too murky and difficult to read. Bianchi seems as to come at page layout strictly from a design point of view and not so much from a storytelling one. I’d rather he stuck to covers and design work (though if I were an artist on one of the other X-books now forced to draw these overly intricate costume designs, I’d be cursing Bianchi’s name at the drawing board). While the Whedon-to-Warren transition wasn’t especially jarring, going from John Cassady’s clean lines to Bianchi’s heavily textured work truly makes this issue feel like the launch of an entirely new series rather than a continuation of the previous one.

So far, I’m most enjoying Ellis’ take on Hisako, the young X-Man who, in shades of early-80’s Kitty Pryde-Sprite-Ariel-Shadowcat, doesn’t like her code name (“Armor”) [1]. Hisako’s very much an updated version of Kitty, though she’s a little savvier and more confident of her place in the X-world at this point than Kitty was early on – I’d imagine having already survived her first offworld adventure as an X-Man would give her a substantial confidence boost. She has no problem standing up to her older teammates, and interestingly enough, seems to have a relationship with Emma Frost which is exactly 180 degrees from the one Emma and Kitty had.

(Also: it’s nice to have Storm back in an X-book, where she belongs.)

If you enjoyed Whedon’s run on this book, you’ll still find plenty here to enjoy, even if the flavor is a bit different. If you’ve enjoyed pretty much any of Ellis’ mainstream superhero work, you’ll find plenty of Ellisian bits here to make you happy.

GRADE: A-

[1] Ellis seems to be setting up something to do with names and naming in this issue and I’m curious to see where’s going with it; it’s not the kind of thing he tends to do by accident.

Batman (arguably) places higher on the fanboy scale than Superman^[1], but why? If comics specialize in wish fufillment and escapism, you can’t get granted a much cooler wish than being bulletproof and able to fly, agreed?

Thing is, once you get beyond the first few pages of a Superman story, you know (or at least are reasonably sure) you’re never gonna fly your girlfriend to the Eiffel Tower, in your own arms anyway. Sure, he looks like you and me, has a real job and a wife and adoptive parents and that outsider subtext, but as a reader you never fully accept him as “like us”.

Batman’s another story. He is, for all his abilities and talents, only human. And that’s why we like Batman better. At the end of the day, he’s closer to us, and we like to feel like we have something in common with a hero. But it’s not just Batman readers can relate to. Many of us here in the real world have more in common with comic books than we think or care to admit.

They say art imitates life. And sometimes, comics imitate crazy. Here’s ten examples of ways we can all be like funnybooks, as usual in no particular order. And if you have three or more of these, you’re not mentally ill. You are, in fact, Batman.

1. Alcoholism/Chemical Dependency - Oh yeah, the suit’s cool and all, but Marvel didn’t sell tons of comics or cast Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark because the Iron Man suit is that cool. Ms. Marvel lost a prestigious job because she liked to get loaded. On the other side, DC loves to put a monkey on its bad guys’ backs, with Bane hooked on steroids (since cleaned up, I believe) and Mirror Master actually using his powers to be inside a mirror, the better to snort a line from the other side.

2. Schizophrenia – Again, Marvel loves to put the mental screws to its heroes, while DC has a separate cottage industry in nutjob villains (Arkham Asylum, anybody?): Marvel’s Sentry has this particular affliction bad, leading most of his writers to bring it up way more than they should. Just because he’s got two or three personalities doesn’t earn him three times the space in Mighty Avengers, okay? DC trots out Rose and Thorn, Dr. Polaris, The Ventiloquist, The Mad Hatter, and yes, Two-Face.

3. Stockholm Syndrome-

Y’know, where someone who’s kidnapped, a hostage, or a prisoner begins to sympathize or otherwise feel warmly towards their captor? Robin, take a bow. We don’t care which one.

4. Pyrophobia-

J’onn J’onzz, rest in peace. Captain Ultra, you get to carry the torch now. (Let it sit for just another moment… wait… not yet…okay, that was bad.)

ADDENDUM: Just realized most of you might not actually have read the above from Fantastic Four #177, in which Captain Ultra auditions for the Frightful Four (who do run into the Human Torch from time to time) IN THE BAXTER BUILDING.

 5. Sex Addiction -

The best of examples of this are probably on the hero side of the ledger (because bad guys with names like the Shocker just aren’t going to get that much action): Oliver Queen can’t seem to keep the Horndog Arrow in the quiver and routinely screws up his life, a common result of sex addiction. Batman? For somebody who “works alone”, he’s certainly gets busy, hooking up with one arch enemy and actually impregnating another foe’s daughter.

6. Claustrophobia

Um… Storm still suffers from it, I guess. This one’s not nearly as common in comics as the real world, as far as we know. But hey, these people operate in giant cities or huge mansions or even outer space, so maybe the situation never comes up. I just thought it was cool and dramatic and surprising in the early days of the Claremont/Cockrum X-Men.

7. Napoleon Complex -

Again with the DC villains and Marvel Heroes: Dr. Psycho has been a much better (and dangerous) character since DC started playing up the doctor’s overcompensation. On the Marvel end, I gotta think Hank Pym was operating under a fog of this Little Man Syndrome early in his career. After all, he only lasted one issue of Avengers as Ant-Man(with the Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man), before he had to do a 180 on day two, showing up as “Giant Man”.

8. Chiroptophobia -

Gotham City wouldn’t have been living in fear of bats for going on 60 years if this wasn’t cool. Anybody can be afraid of heights.

9. Megalomania/Delusions of Grandeur -

Pretty common in villainy across the board, but Lex Luthor and Victor Von Doom rewrite the texts nearly every year. (Except for Doom getting all street on Ms. Marvel in Mighty Avengers a few months back. That’s a whole other maladjustment that’s not on the list.) And give both publishers credit–both are the most enduring foes of their first superheroes, and neither has ever been a copy or caricature of the other, despite having similar motivations.

10. Fregoli Delusion

Not common at all, in either our world or the capes-n-tights one, but it does exist. Primarily so I could toss this image in. And the comic underneath this cover’s pretty bad-ass as well.

[1]I say arguably, but how many more Batman stories do you find in most fans’ top 20 list of all time comics than Superman stories? I rest my case.

It’s fairly obvious from my reviews that I’m the least studious and analytical^[1] of the Thunderdog stable of writers (all three of us), but I am trying to get a little better at the critical review, especially when discussing DC and Marvel’s duelling Big Thingies.

(See? I’m getting better already.)

Despite Marvel’s efforts to keep it low-key by only releasing 244 books last week, we did notice that Secret Invasion snuck up on the halfway mark (with the actual mini-series midpoint #4 out July 9th), and felt Marvel could maybe use a hand in spreading the word on the internet. Especially after we couldn’t shut up about the competition’s Final Crisis last Thursday.

(By the way: here’s the part where we warn, “So yeah, there might be a spoiler or two below. Proceed with caution, Person Who’s Read A Little Far Into A Secret Invasion Review Expecting To See Nothing About Secret Invasion“.)

This spring arrived as the Invasion began losing some layers of its Secret, and Marvel posed the one question haunting the Marvel Universe: Who Do You Trust? We’re four months in now, and I’d say the series and its tie-ins are raising still more questions, and at a much faster rate than they’re answering them. I’m not ready to let the ever-filling pool of mysteries drive me to complain…yet. Given his track record, there’s every reason to believe SI architect Brian Michael Bendis will give us not just resolutions, but satisfying ones as well.

I’d love to be able to post concise reviews for New Avengers #42 and Mighty Avengers #15. I wish I could close here by assuring you that both comics are informative without being too heavy on the exposition and add much to the SI tale without being overly indispensable. I’d be happy to end the review with simple praise for the lovely art provided by Jim Cheung and John Romita, Jr., because it is indeed lovely. But I can’t sign off yet, because of the whole “boatload of new questions” thing.

Both Mighty and New Avengers continue revisiting previously established events (though, strangely, the previous issues of each title ended on “To Be Continued” present-day moments, neither of which is picked up this month) and shed more light on the infiltration before the actual Secret Invasion, mostly from the Skrulls point of view. This month, we get to learn an awful lot about the when and how Hank Pym and Jessica Drew got “Skrullswapped”. And with these new tidbits, confirmations and revelations, we also get a fresh batch of questions, sometimes with a side order of slight confusion. Here’s the five biggest on the plate for me tonight:

1. In Secret Invasion #3, why is the SHIELD Helicarrier now adrift in the Bermuda Triangle?

Yeah, hopefully this will get answered in Secret Invasion #4 or elsewhere^[2], but… huh? I’m no physicist, and I’m not a huge fan of forcing comics to adhere to The Book-Learned Science, but I doubt the Helicarrier’s got much gliding potential. Certainly not enough to carry it from a couple miles above NYC (where it began its powerless descent in SI #1) to the central Atlantic Ocean.

2. How and when do all these events and reveals and Skrullswaps fit together?

I hope Bendis’ reach isn’t exceeding his grasp the further we go, as many of these overlapping plot points were in fact his doing. Following these two newest updates to whatever passes for timeline and continuity through last week, my baby headache has now reached toddler stage trying to reconcile these, for instance:^[3]

Spider-Woman (since revealed as a Skrull) delivering dead Skrullektra to Tony Stark (after the Ultron arc in Mighty Avengers

Tony showing said corpse to his Illuminati (including, prominently, Reed Richards) , then discovering that Black Bolt is actually a Skrull in disguise. Oh, and then they’re attacked by a bunch of Super Skrulls.

The opening pages of Secret Invasion #1, where Reed Richards (obviously the real deal given that book’s ending) acts like this is the first time he’s seen Skrullektra or heard of any sort of Skrull swapping, much less that Skrulls are now undetectable by current methods.

Is Bendis simply trying to retcon/erase a book (Illuminati #5) he just did eight months ago? Or does Reed have short-term memory issues these days?

3. Speaking of Black Bolt… What the hell happened to the humans/Inhumans that were switched out?

My first instinct was that the Skrulls are at war with Earth, and might have some sort of Intergalactic Geneva Convention to adhere to, but there seems to have been a little too much collateral damage involving civilians, and a little too much zeal on the part of the invaders to kill those who oppose them. So should we be flying the flags at half-mast for Electra, Jarvis, Dum Dum Dugan, Jessica Drew, Hank Pym and Black Bolt? For that matter, within 5 seconds of the end of Illuminati #5, why wasn’t any remaining member of the Illuminati (and I realize they stated that the trust issues precluded any of them from working together anymore) on Def Con 4 and at least trying to find out if Black Bolt was alive somewhere?

4. Like DC, why does Marvel even bother with age ratings on their comics?

This is directly related to last week’s books: Both featured a slightly off-putting display of the “pretty much naked” ladies, with Mighty Avengers (and John Romita, Jr.) going a bit further, adding a suggestive serving of ice cream to an already crowded post-coital bed of Hank Pym and a lady who wasn’t his wife. Just like Allen, I’m no prude and certainly wasn’t offended or necessarily even jarred from the tale at hand. But, these comics were indeed both rated “A” (which I’m assuming doesn’t mean “Allen’s gonna shake his head at this one”), so Marvel either needs to pay more attention or admit they don’t pay any and shut off the ratings altogether.

5. Can we really translate the Skrulls’ dialogue?

Nope, doesn’t look like it. So far, it’s been consistent inside single issues, but try and compare, say, Secret Invasion #3 to these current Mighty Avengers and New Avengers (MA and NA have long sections that are helpfully subtitled); they’re not sharing the same “letters” at all. When did Marvel start underestimating our geeky need to learn a new fictional language? If Marvel’s going to assume all their readers are grown ups (see previous question), then maybe expect us to spot this kind of thing pretty easily and give your letterers a little help. It’s only 26 characters, fellas.

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[1]I’m also the least discriminating–I bought three issues of Salvation Run before deciding it was actually neither awesome nor anything approaching it.

[2]And maybe it already has been; Again, we don’t buy every comic (read: most comics) out there, so feel free to let us know if any of our current queries have been addressed. Quoth the D: “That’s fucking teamwork.”

[3]This post is already way too long, so I’m shelving my “Hank Pym in Civil War” related questions ’til I dig out the last two issues of that miniseries.

Discovered while researching yesterday’s now-legendary Tuesday 10^[1]:

While this particular Bullpen Bulletin (from Avengers #71, December 1969) also saw Stan trumpeting an upcoming Jim Steranko romance comic, “a hearts-and-flowers assignment for one of our love books”, we prefer to see this crystal ball as half-full.

[1]Why’s it legendary? See that post’s comments, specifically the first one.

Novelists don’t always make a graceful transition to the comic/graphic novel form, but veteran crime author Victor Gischler makes the jump look easy, delivering this solid one-shot and whetting our appetites for his upcoming Punisher MAX arc. Avoiding rookie struggles for the most part, he seems natural at giving the artist something to draw, and displays a firm grasp of the tight space he’s got for his plot.

It’s surprising just how tidy Little Black Book is. Gischler doesn’t stray into overambition, steering clear of the “Analyzing Frank” moments better suited for longer stories and not wasting time engineering some big plot twist or double-cross that he’d run out of space trying to unleash. By simply playing to the writer’s strengths, there’s just enough going on to introduce the players, set up Frank’s plan, establish the villainy of the villain and give the audience several money shots of the Punisher punishing without feeling rushed and without momentum-sucking exposition.

Jefte Palo’s art meshes well with the economic script–plenty of shadows and sexy, with mood to spare. I’m not sure if he’s slated to handle the art for Gischler’s upcoming turn with the main title, but he does seem suited and Marvel could do worse than Palo in there.

Welcome to funnybooks, Mr. Gischler. Any writer getting a comic published who isn’t named Bendis, Johns, or Brubaker will get our attention, but it takes a decent story to keep our attention, and Little Black Book looks to be a sign of quality reading ahead.