Jimmy Olsen’s Blues

Well, they can’t all be winners.

-Billy Bob Thornton, from his documentary Bad Santa.

10. Nomad’s baby.

This is strictly hand-me-down bling, borrowed from Lone Wolf and Cub and now passed on to Cable. Is there a more foolproof comics move than kidnapping yourself an infant sidekick from her crackhead mom? And what was that kid’s name, anyway? Mary Plot Device? Fake Suspense, Jr.? (It was actually Bucky. I’m not kidding.)

9. The Vision’s Cape.

This is one of the few capes seen on a Marvel hero, for good reason. Aesthetically, it makes little sense given his skill set. While a ghostlike cape seems cool, a cloak as hard as diamond… does not. (But Marvel sticks to its guns, though; the cape itself is treated like a big deal in one 70’s Avengers storyline featuring Attuma, who actually steals it like it’s some fabulous prize. For some reason, the Vision forcibly reclaims the stupid thing.)

8. Dr. Doom’s tunic/dress/skirt.

You’d have to rule your whole nation by fear to get away with this getup. “How can I be even less attractive to women than that bunsen-burning, prematurely gray, socially retarded Reed Richards? I’ve got it! Witness the Renaissance Faire drag of DOOM.”

7. The Son of Satan’s “Wicked” Pitchfork.

Or as everyone else calls them, tridents. Are you the Son of Satan or the Son of the Red Lobster? What, were horns too on-the-nose for your desired image, Daimon Hellstrom? (You might want to take a moment before answering. Because you have a pentagram on your chest.)

6. The Cosmic Cube.

I just don’t why everyone who possesses it insists on keeping it as a cube. Why work so hard to keep it in your grasp? Eventually you either drop it or it gets knocked out of your hand (usually by someone you should’ve turned into ranch dressing about 18 pages ago). It’ll do anything, so the first thing I’d do is make it a Cosmic T-Shirt that never needs cleaning. or better yet… The Cosmic Thong. “If you want the cube that bad, Captain Marvel…”

(cue disco ball and What is Love.)

(And keep your terrific “I’ve already got cosmic boxers… in my pants” quip to yourself.)

5. Speedy.

Even if the Seven Soldiers of Victory were storming a medieval castle, I doubt they’d need two archers shooting boxing glove arrows, so Roy Harper makes this list as the only accessory to have tried heroin.

4. The Eye of Agamotto.

The Ancient One didn’t have the heart to tell his apprentice that the Eye he cherishes was actually purchased in a Tibetan head shop, along with a Strawberry Alarm Clock album, some wicked herb, and a black light poster of Buddha. It only matters that the Sorcerer Supreme believes in it, right? Really, Doc, how do you screw up a kick-ass Cloak of Levitation with that swap-meet crappery? Even Baron Mordo had to fake-like it, for appearances.

3.Aquaman’s Harpoon Hand.

Of all things to replace his missing appendage, why use a fisherman’s tool? It would seem to be contrary to his mission statement. I understand that even if you’re in the Justice League, John Henry Irons or whoever can’t just whip out a custom waterproof robot hand. But was that the only loaner they had in the whole shop?

2. The Loin-Diaper of Fin Fang Foom.

No need to be modest, FFF; we can all tell you’re packing.

1. The Plentiful and Pointless Pouches of Cable.

Hey, Nathan Dayspring A’skanison Pufnstuf, call us when you’re going by “Batman” and all those pouches are on a utility belt. Because the Utility Belt, as science shows us, is undeniably great.

1. Mark Waid’s blog and his ongoing series of podcasts

Boom Studios E-i-C and esteemed comics writer Waid once said, “Reading 8,000 comics doesn’t qualify you to write even one.”; I’d extend his aphorism to include “writing a blog” as well. Unsurprisingly, Waid’s decades of experience in most phases of comic production (not to mention his years of sometimes caustic candor) serve him well in the execution and regular updates to his newish blog.  But, no matter the cv, being a huge comics fan doesn’t always guarantee an interesting or even readable ‘net presence. So far, though, Waid’s proven to be a pretty safe bet, his updates mixing tradecraft mini-lectures and plain ol’ Comics Appreciation, down to single panels or covers.

Even more recently, he’s jumped (or been pushed) into podcasting. 15 Minutes With Waid, it’s called, and that seems to be a pretty ideal length–while I enjoy reading Mark Waid wax articulate about most topics at length in print, I’ve got to think that 30 minutes or more of him talking might start to push the limits of my admiration. The brevity, combined with “co-host” Dafna Pleban’s well-timed but offhand interjections (which seem to steer Waid down avenues he hadn’t planned on) make this an easy series of ‘casts to catch up with on the fly. 15 Minutes isn’t as in-depth as Word Balloon (almost a different species), but it’s nearly as enjoyable for its loose feel and broad discussion. Very welcoming, and welcome.

2. Tabbloid

As a guy physically incapable of eating a meal without something to read (or in this case, something to write), I am totally in love with Tabbloid, a free on-demand PDF blog publishing service pointed out by (probably six-brained) Warren Ellis. Just sign up, tell ‘em which blog updates you want to slap into your weekly e-zine, and Tabbloid does the rest, emailing you a PDF with the week’s posts arranged for you to read (onscreen or my preferred format–in print). I’m not sure if you can change the default chronology, though, which would help because sometimes, updates are meant to be read from oldest to newest, not vice-versa. This is altogether minor, and (especially if you’re reading onscreen) easily overcome by starting at the “bottom”.

Secret Warriors#1 © Marvel 2009

3. Jonathan Hickman and Marvel’s Secret Warrriors

Not only is the series getting better with each issue, each issue gets better the more you re-read it (not to mention that I have been re-reading it–hardly ever do that anymore). And even Brian Bendis will tell you that the story as it’s being laid out is far more Hickman’s than his as pitched. Issue 1’s twist (so simple, but further proof that just because YOU could’ve thought of it doesn’t mean YOU could write comics) will drive you to read every single previous appearance of Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD to see if this has been the plan since the Steranko administration. Stefano Caselli’s artwork is fluid and there’s a murky quality to the coloring that doesn’t sound awesome, but sure looks it.

4. Twitter!

Since this blog last throbbed with activity, Twitter fucking exploded (and this post’s 488 links to different Twitters are proof). People who just aren’t interesting enough to hold you your attention with a blah-blah-blog (e.g., me) have no trouble spitting out 20-25 words two or three times a day, and believe me that you’re all luckier for it. Just about any creator you like is 140-ing it up, from Brian Bendis and Scott Pilgrim’s Bryan Lee O’Malley, to this husband-wife-child team, Warren Ellis and Action Age Comics wunderkind/Anita Blake arsonist Chris Sims. Which leads us to, strangely enough…

5. Chris Sims.

You open the dictionary (or the Necronomicon, or Lemmy’s autobiography) to the section on Inextinguishable Flame of Comics, Robocop, and Face-Kicking, it either just says “Chris Sims‘ Invincible Super Blog” or “Sims, Chris; see also: Action Age Comics“. His annotations on the Anita Blake comic adaptations are more meticulously and lovingly presented than those scribblings by people who actually like Anita Blake comic adaptations. And if you don’t plan to see Watchmen: The Movie, this Hard Man of the Carolinas feels your apathy and gives you the next best thing (well, the second next best thing; the first would probably be giving you the damn comics to read). All for free.

Charlie Huston's The Shotgun Rule

6. Charlie Huston

I realize I’m going about my discoverin’ business backwards, I do. I read Noted Crime Novelist Charlie Huston’s Moon Knight comics before ever reading any of his Noted Crime Novels, but hey, 20 years from now this will probably be a chicken/egg thing. The Shotgun Rule may have come out in 2007, but this tale of 4 boys growing up too fast in the summer of ‘83 is going to be under more than one of my friends’ Christmas trees in 2009. (Added bonus: He’s putting out a story one Twitter update at a time. It’s part horror, part sci-fi, and yes, an early installment name drops the Ultimate Nullifier.)

7. Stuff Geeks Love

Sadly, this scalpel-fine dose of tough love is on a much slower schedule now, but what’s been posted already is nearly enough.

8. Lollyphile

I’ll have the new bourbon flavored lollipops, please. No wait, I’m feeling a little frisky, so let’s grab some absinthe ones instead, and some maple-bacon pops, too! (They offer wasabi-ginger as well, but that’s not my cup of, uh, wasabi and ginger.) Not comic-related at all, but as Stuff Geeks Love teaches us, it can’t be all comics, all the time.

9. Jason Aaron’s “Ghost Rider”

Jason Aaron's Ghost Rider

I’ve been buying comics for at least 30 years, and I’d never once bought an issue of a Ghost Rider ongoing. (By way of comparison, I bought an issue of Marvel Chillers featuring Tigra once.) Happily, my ignorance of the title in its many volumes doesn’t detract from the experience of this Flaming Skeleton Biker badassery, primarily because Aaron is wholly unafraid to embrace the lunacy of the character or the situations a Ghost Rider would find himself in. (So: no War of Kings tie-in, probably.)

10. Diesel Sweeties

While it’s true that I’ve praised R. Stevens’ one-man-amazing-corps before, I don’t think I sufficiently expressed our fevered admiration for the actual strip itself, and might have given the impression that one awesome t-shirt trumped the daily work. Consistently hilarious, provocative and equally enjoyable for both sides of the robots vs. humans conflict. And just in time for Mother’s Day, you can purchase a sweet collection of strips selected by Mr. Stevens himself in cutting-edge paper form (he’ll even trick it out for you for a few bucks more).

• There’s not many excellent — or even very good — movies based on standard (i.e. Big Two) superhero fare. We came with about a dozen or so films that we both really dig, and a had a more difficult time than you’d imagine coming up with a dozen more that we knew weren’t gonna make the grade. Sorry Fantastic Four franchise! Maybe someday, Unbreakable.
• There’s even fewer superhero movies floating around that aren’t based on standard comic book fare. We came up with The Rocketeer pretty quickly, but just as quickly left it off the list because it didn’t seem to be ’superhero-y’ enough and neither of us remembered any part of it as fondly as the image of Jennifer Connelly in the movie. (But don’t feel bad, Billy Campbell — I have a feeling you’ll show up again in next week’s Ten.)
• Marvel’s movies rake in more dough (even if you handicap Marvel for their advantage in sheer quantity of releases), but DC seems to have put out more memorable films.

And yet a Pixar Studios masterpiece trumps them both…

10. Batman (1989). This movie bridges the gap between the wince-inducing last gasp of the old school superhero movie (Superman IV: The Quest For Peace, anyone? Or no one?) and the wow-inducing sunrise of the new (X-Men, Spider-Man, Superman Returns). Warner Brothers discovered, as we all soon did, that matching the director with the project might be a worthy use of time before signing that first check. Tim Burton brought a vision that didn’t treat the material as “kid’s stuff,” and really seemed to understand the source material and how best to take advantage of its conversion to moving pictures. DC’s approach to building its creative team obviously rubbed off on Marvel, who would eventually sign up Bryan Singer and Sam Raimi to launch their two big franchises. Speaking of…

9. X-Men. (2000) The most popular comic series of the last 30 years would have made ungodly sums of cash no matter who shot it or starred in it, but Marvel wisely paid attention to what worked for DC and also what failed miserably with the Batman movies, and got it right the first time with X-Men. What worked: getting directors and writers with the right sensibilites and the right sensitivities. So enter Bryan Singer, who’d cut his teeth on a character-intensive ensemble piece (The Usual Suspects) and a taut thriller that touched on the horrors of Nazi persecution, war and how sneaky evil can be sometimes (Apt Pupil). What didn’t work: an escalating cycle to cast “name” actors in main roles in superhero films. By keeping the known quantities to a minimum — and at this point, Halle Berry was best known for Introducing Dorothy Dandridge and Boomerang — the movie overcomes that handicap of “that’s not Batman, that’s George Clooney at Halloween.”

8. Superman: The Movie. (1978) We’re giving Warner Brothers and the orginal Batman crew a little too much credit, probably, as the same path we just applauded Batman and X-Men for taking, Richard Donner and Christopher Reeve cleared out in the first place decades before. While the Batman movies’ appeal springs from what we can become, Superman movies draw us in because of what we wish we could become. However sappy that sentiment is, that’s why the first two Superman movies hold up so well today.

7. X2: X-Men United (2003). The sequels always tend to play better than the kickoff flick, probably because there’s no need to waste a third of the film “introducing” everybody, thus giving the creative team space for a more detailed plot. X2 in particular succeeds because both the action and character pieces don’t hit you over the head with the “people hate things that are different” theme, unlike X-Men and X-Men 3: The Last Stand.

6. Superman II (1980). (Note that Roman numerals for sequels are oh so very passé these days.) Even though Stan Lee has a prominent role in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats, does Smith reference any Marvel big-screen triumphs? No, because there weren’t any at that point, and because “Kneel before Zod” is just much, much cooler than even Stan Lee most days.

5. Spider-Man 2 (2004). Oh, look, yet another second installment. See, what’d we tell you? Spidey 2 ups the action quotient from Round One while also giving us that most rare and wonderful of characters: a truly sympathetic villain. Alfred Molina’s Dr. Octopus was far more developed than his comic-book counterpart — he actually seemed less like a villain than simply a broken man pushed too far. (Keep this distinction in mind when we make our way up to the number two slot in a bit.)

4. Iron Man (2008). Closer to Stan Lee’s ideal of the Flawed Hero than even his revered Spider-Man — not only is Tony Stark besieged from without, he’s besieged from within. Possibly no other mainstream hero has as many self-inflicted obstacles and limitations. Not to mention the fact that any first semester psych major could break Peter Parker’s whiny neursoses down in a second, while world-class head shrinkers could go on for days about the complexitites of an alcoholic, narcissistic (but strangely hyper-self-critical) genius with a life-threatening injury that seals himself in a suit of armor, but paints it bright red and yellow.

3. Batman Begins (2005). Strangely, DC’s carefully crafted re-entry into the genre got nearly universal high marks, while the just as technically sound Superman Returns didn’t exactly shoot to the top of anyone’s list of All Times (including this one). It’s hard to put a finger on why, but maybe it’s just because both Nolan films work harder to show you not just the hero’s outer and inner workings, but those of the supporting cast and city as well; Superman Returns suffers by comparison as it stretches an examination of, really, just Superman over an equal amount of time without revealing much of anything else. Batman Begins is more of an experience for the viewer than just a Superman plot you can watch.

2. The Dark Knight. (2008) Honestly, what else can we say about this week-old movie? The Dark Knight all of the elements required to make a good comic-book movies and a whole bunch of the elements required to make a great movie… regardless of genre. And remember when we said to keep in mind that whole “truly sympathetic villain” thing? The Dark Knight pulls that feat off in a big way, while also containing one of the least sympathetic villains ever committed to film.

1. The Incredibles (2004). Surprise! But, really in terms of super-movies that succeed, why not The Incredibles at the top of the list? It manages to nail several different comic-book high concepts (The Superhero Family; ducking from the bad guys to preserve secret identities; awkward childhood made more so by having special abilities and so on) that less-ambitious offerings like the Fantastic Four and even X-Men movies barely touch upon. Oh, and all of this happens in a movie your kids will watch without giving a damn about any of that. The Incredibles, in terms of plot, character, acting, execution, you name it, rivals The Dark Knight as a Great Superhero Movie that’s also Just A Plain Great Movie. In fact this movie’s so good, that neither of us wants to see a sequel made in our lifetimes.

Hmmm, look at that… two of our top four superhero movies ever were released in the last four months. Does this mean that we’re entering some sort of Golden Age of Superhero Movies or something?  And if so, will that Golden Age die a horribly brutal death with the upcoming releases of The Spirit and Watchmen?

Today’s 10 was supposed to be the Top 10 S… oh, to hell with it; it was going to be lame, we caught it early^[1] and excised it, and I won’t bore you anymore with the Untold Tale.

We brainstormed anew. Actually, it was really just me throwing out even more tired ideas and Allen logically and methodically shooting them down. Finally, after dozens of minutes, I blurted, “What about 10 Webcomics? We can’t just read and write about Big 2 stuff forever.”

Allen, obviously bereft of any better ideas and tiring of the struggle, agreed (or at least didn’t shoot it down). He didn’t bother asking if I had read or even knew of 10 different webcomics. (The answer to those questions: Nope and nope^[2].) But I liked the idea of trying new things, and the more I thought about this post, the more of a purist bent I developed. I would leave the discovery of these selected ten in the hands of fate. Fate, and search engines.

My first Googling (“webcomics”) produced thewebcomicslist.com, but that would’ve been way too easy, plus I wanted my selections to be totally random, and not pulled from a list of titles conveniently grouped together by genre. Back to the drawing board. Via random word generator, I tacked on a single extra word to the “webcomics+” search string (if you’re curious, I’m listing those words as well). Ten searches later, it’s Webcomics… and adventure!

These are presented in chonological order only. They do represent the first ten titles I was able to click through to from my search results. They do not represent webcomics that I necessarily enjoyed. Adventure!

1. Insisting: Good-Evil.net’s Funny Webcomic.

The site itself (enormously staffed and videogame-centric) was more interesting than this Photoshoppy cut and paste job they irregularly feature. Its afterthought nature isn’t what I imagine when I think “webcomic”.

2. Excess:The Smashing Adventures of the Bottomleys , by whoever Lowroad 75 is. On the other hand, this is what I imagine. Once you get used to the scrolling and the navigation, you can focus on the comic, which isn’t bad at all from what I read. A gently funny and slickly drawn tale of an absent-minded genius scientist and his family. There’s a multiverse in this one, so my Final Crisis digging ass has to appreciate it a little.

3. Little: Little Dee, by Chris Baldwin. Cute talking animals and not unfunny. Very newspaper comic-y and a well organized site, to boot.

4. Exhaustive: Roswell, Texas from Big Head Press, L. Neil Smith and Scott Bieser. Not cartoonish at all, and easily the closest to an actual comic book presented on the web I’ve seen so far, and the page viewing is really ideal here. Again with the alternate universes, wheee!! So far the only one I’d read in printed form.

5. Resolved: Forest Dew, by Florentina Heldrad. Hard to believe it took me this long to come across some manga. Pretty and spacious, by an obviously talented 19 year old girl.

6. Potentially: Sexy Losers (Extremely NSFW!!), Okay, got the manga, now where’s the porn? Oh it’s here, in spades. NSFW, and of course it is, I was pointed to it by a site called LOPOW-List of Potentially Offensive Webcomics. I didn’t find it offensive, but other than the Cuckolded Husband series, I didn’t find it entertaining either.

7. Rarely: Questionable Content, by Jeph Jacques. This one took awhile to find, as the early search results pointed mostly to review sites without working links. Probably worth it, as QC’s been around for awhile, it appears. Professional and smartly funny, in a “better sitcom” kind of way. With talking iPods and computers. I may actually go back and read all of these.

8. Quick: Quick Stabbing Motion by Brandon Southgate and Keegan Mullin. I’m no snob, but… eh. Juvenile, trying waaaay too hard to be anti-social, and the kind of stuff that’d get them on an FBI watch list if they weren’t Canadians.

9. Syndicate: Player Vs. Player- I know. It’s popular. Doesn’t mean I’ve ever read it. But I might start reading it more now that I’ve seen this (scroll about halfway down–under “Cre-Haters”). Scott Kurtz really takes his work seriously.

10. Simulating: Irregular Webcomic – I’m sort of a sucker for any use of action figures, Fisher-Price toys, whatever, in storyboard form. This was a hoot. I’ll be back to this one.

(C)2008 David Morgan Mar

So there, internet. Our first post without a single mention of Batman, Superman, Wolverine, or capes. This has been Webcomics…and Adventure!

[1]But not early enough–we pounded away at it for almost an hour, so there’s probably no way you won’t see it sooner or later. We hold out much hope for “later”.

[2]I do in fact read four regularly: R. Stevens’ DieselSweeties; Cameron Stewart’s Sin Titulo; Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield’s Freakangels as mentioned a few times here; and The Rack by Kevin Church and Benjamin Birdie. All are recommended.

Comics flow through a marketplace so fickle and so resistant to innovation that getting off on the right foot is damn near essential to any sort of success. While certain comics have been able to overcome a non-descript opening story (Daredevil came to mind while breaking out this list), today we tip our hats to these ten, who have made it particularly easy for subsequent writers to show us something worth reading each month, some of them for decades. In no particular order:

Oracle. “Babs” Gordon’s transformation from the “cute if not especially interesting” Batgirl into the “sexy in a Hot Librarian way and far, far more useful and interesting” Oracle was rooted in one of the seminal Batman stories of the last 20 years, Alan Moore and Brian Bolland’s The Killing Joke. The sequence where the Joker inflicted the genesis for this change on her might have been sickening to behold, but the worst thing to ever happen to the character has also proven to be the best thing to happen to her from a storytelling perspective. And while we’ve been given a couple of (mostly well done) “it sucks to be in a wheelchair” moments, they’ve been few and far between and outnumbered by page after page of just how little of Barbara Gordon’s heroism was wearing that cowl.

Spider-Man. Spidey’s origin works so well less for its details — though those work, too — but for its thematic significance. The phrase “with great power comes great responsibility” is now so well-known and so associated with Spider-Man that it’s taken on its own life, used for other non-Spidery purposes — though if you search Wikipedia for “with great power comes great responsibility,” you get redirected right back to the entry for Spider-Man.

Preacher. When most preachers recount their experience “finding God,” doesn’t it always seem more like God found them? Garth Ennis thought so and gave us a fresher, more accurate use of the phrase. By hitting drunkard and reluctant man of the cloth Jesse Custer in the mouth with Heaven’s dirty little secret angel-demon baby, Ennis set Custer on a far more literal “finding God” story. (Now that I think about it, we could probably have included Preacher’s Saint of Killers and Herr Starr on this list as well.)

Captain America. If loving this tale of one man so patriotic and devoted that he gave up polio for his country means I actually love propaganda, then you can go ahead and sell me the “I <3 Propaganda” t-shirt today. Seriously though, the same basic Cap ideal (One man is Superman, the living embodiment of all that is Good and Right about America, and at the same time Everyman) that thrilled millions in the 40’s has managed to sustain an ongoing comic series for nearly a year and a half (and counting) without him in it.

Superman. Not only does Superman’s origin hold up — and has been used as the basis for the origins of plenty of other heroes, both literally and metaphorically — it’s also a powerful metaphor for the American Jewish experience in the early part of the 20th century. So says Michael Chabon, and I believe him.

Batman. This story’s so good, so primal, that the many, many interpretations of “Which one’s the mask: Bruce Wayne or Batman?” and “What’s Batman’s mission?” — not to mention the many interpretations of Batman himself — have only made the core origin better. Unlike the origins for most superheroes with actual superpowers, Batman’s beginnings resonate because it’s easy for us to imagine ourselves and our reactions to a similar situation. Batman’s the ultimate DIY story.

The Fantastic Four. So sixties “bad science,” it’s almost “good science.” Who knew “cosmic rays” could be so flexible in their application?

Jewel. Teenaged Jessica Jones was about to tell nerdy Peter Parker how she loves him for him — only to get interrupted by a freak accident involving a radioactive spider. Then she gets into a freak accident of her own involving a truck of radioactive chemicals (a bit of origin detail stolen directly from Daredevil’s) which kills the rest of her family. She goes comatose, only to awaken when Galactus sets foot on Earth for the first time and the Silver Surfer flies by her window. You wouldn’t think a casserole of metacomic wink-wink would read that well, but it damn sure does. J.J. might actually be a character created this century that actually sticks around for awhile. If she’s not a Skrull.

Cyclops. OK, yes, mutant — that part’s not especially memorable at this point (though to be fair, Cyke was one of the original five X-Men, making him one of the first official Marvel mutants). But having young Scott Summers’ father shove Scott and his little brother out of a malfunctioning airplane, only to have the parachute strapped to Scott’s back catch fire, leading to a high-velocity crash into a forest, leading to massive head trauma for Scott (largely because Scott was protecting his brother from the impact), thereby causing him not to have any control over the optic blasts he develops when his mutant genes kick in as a teenager? Yeah, that’s an origin.

Iron Man. While Tony Stark’s unfortunately suffering from a bit of the “timeslide” too common to characters whose origins are rooted too deeply in a certain era (like the Punisher, Stark’s story was originally rooted in the Vietnam conflict), the basic details of his origin (war profiteer/inventor kidnapped, injured, builds super-powered armor for survival/escape) have stood up to time well, as the recent blockbuster flick displayed so well.

Batman (arguably) places higher on the fanboy scale than Superman^[1], but why? If comics specialize in wish fufillment and escapism, you can’t get granted a much cooler wish than being bulletproof and able to fly, agreed?

Thing is, once you get beyond the first few pages of a Superman story, you know (or at least are reasonably sure) you’re never gonna fly your girlfriend to the Eiffel Tower, in your own arms anyway. Sure, he looks like you and me, has a real job and a wife and adoptive parents and that outsider subtext, but as a reader you never fully accept him as “like us”.

Batman’s another story. He is, for all his abilities and talents, only human. And that’s why we like Batman better. At the end of the day, he’s closer to us, and we like to feel like we have something in common with a hero. But it’s not just Batman readers can relate to. Many of us here in the real world have more in common with comic books than we think or care to admit.

They say art imitates life. And sometimes, comics imitate crazy. Here’s ten examples of ways we can all be like funnybooks, as usual in no particular order. And if you have three or more of these, you’re not mentally ill. You are, in fact, Batman.

1. Alcoholism/Chemical Dependency - Oh yeah, the suit’s cool and all, but Marvel didn’t sell tons of comics or cast Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark because the Iron Man suit is that cool. Ms. Marvel lost a prestigious job because she liked to get loaded. On the other side, DC loves to put a monkey on its bad guys’ backs, with Bane hooked on steroids (since cleaned up, I believe) and Mirror Master actually using his powers to be inside a mirror, the better to snort a line from the other side.

2. Schizophrenia – Again, Marvel loves to put the mental screws to its heroes, while DC has a separate cottage industry in nutjob villains (Arkham Asylum, anybody?): Marvel’s Sentry has this particular affliction bad, leading most of his writers to bring it up way more than they should. Just because he’s got two or three personalities doesn’t earn him three times the space in Mighty Avengers, okay? DC trots out Rose and Thorn, Dr. Polaris, The Ventiloquist, The Mad Hatter, and yes, Two-Face.

3. Stockholm Syndrome-

Y’know, where someone who’s kidnapped, a hostage, or a prisoner begins to sympathize or otherwise feel warmly towards their captor? Robin, take a bow. We don’t care which one.

4. Pyrophobia-

J’onn J’onzz, rest in peace. Captain Ultra, you get to carry the torch now. (Let it sit for just another moment… wait… not yet…okay, that was bad.)

ADDENDUM: Just realized most of you might not actually have read the above from Fantastic Four #177, in which Captain Ultra auditions for the Frightful Four (who do run into the Human Torch from time to time) IN THE BAXTER BUILDING.

 5. Sex Addiction -

The best of examples of this are probably on the hero side of the ledger (because bad guys with names like the Shocker just aren’t going to get that much action): Oliver Queen can’t seem to keep the Horndog Arrow in the quiver and routinely screws up his life, a common result of sex addiction. Batman? For somebody who “works alone”, he’s certainly gets busy, hooking up with one arch enemy and actually impregnating another foe’s daughter.

6. Claustrophobia

Um… Storm still suffers from it, I guess. This one’s not nearly as common in comics as the real world, as far as we know. But hey, these people operate in giant cities or huge mansions or even outer space, so maybe the situation never comes up. I just thought it was cool and dramatic and surprising in the early days of the Claremont/Cockrum X-Men.

7. Napoleon Complex -

Again with the DC villains and Marvel Heroes: Dr. Psycho has been a much better (and dangerous) character since DC started playing up the doctor’s overcompensation. On the Marvel end, I gotta think Hank Pym was operating under a fog of this Little Man Syndrome early in his career. After all, he only lasted one issue of Avengers as Ant-Man(with the Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man), before he had to do a 180 on day two, showing up as “Giant Man”.

8. Chiroptophobia -

Gotham City wouldn’t have been living in fear of bats for going on 60 years if this wasn’t cool. Anybody can be afraid of heights.

9. Megalomania/Delusions of Grandeur -

Pretty common in villainy across the board, but Lex Luthor and Victor Von Doom rewrite the texts nearly every year. (Except for Doom getting all street on Ms. Marvel in Mighty Avengers a few months back. That’s a whole other maladjustment that’s not on the list.) And give both publishers credit–both are the most enduring foes of their first superheroes, and neither has ever been a copy or caricature of the other, despite having similar motivations.

10. Fregoli Delusion

Not common at all, in either our world or the capes-n-tights one, but it does exist. Primarily so I could toss this image in. And the comic underneath this cover’s pretty bad-ass as well.

[1]I say arguably, but how many more Batman stories do you find in most fans’ top 20 list of all time comics than Superman stories? I rest my case.

Remember way back in the ’70s when — what? You weren’t even born in the Seventies?

…damn, we’re old.

OK, well, back in the ’60s and ’70s, even up into the front half of the ’80s, Marvel overlord Stan Lee would assign nicknames to the creators of most of the comics they were putting out which, we assume, were probably supposed to sound either funny or hip… but really just came across as kind of lame: Stan “The Man” Lee. “Joltin’” Joe Sinnott. “Dauntless” Don McGregor. Jack “King” Kirby. (Okay, we’ll admit that one wasn’t lame at all.)

We decided that’s a tradition which could use some back-bringin’ and updatin’, so we slapped together new Stan-like nicknames for some of today’s creators. And while we’d like these to seem funny or hip, we realize that, like Stan’s, they’re probably just kind of lame.

1. “Mad” Joe Madureira. (Stan took the easy way out sometimes, too.)
   
   9. “Glorious” Grant Morrison.
   
   8. “Marketshare” Mark Millar.
   
   7. “Junior This” John Romita, Jr.
   
   6. “Maximum” Matt Fraction.
   
   5. “Death-Dealin’” Dan DiDio.
   
   4. “Electable” Ed Brubaker.
   
   3. “Goddamn” Frank Miller.
   
   2. Robert “Captain” Kirkman.
   
   1. Warren Ellis. We dare not even try hanging one of these on him. Except maybe “Yessir, Mr. Warren Ellis, Sir.”

In no real order, other than maybe from least-to-most credibility-bruising…

10. Strangers in Paradise - Since my wife never fell for the “they’re not comics, they’re graphic novels” load, I never had to bring home Terry Moore’s heartfelt… whatever it is. I never even tried to read this on the sly in Barnes & Noble, and that’s saying something since I did read 300 that way after the movie came out. I’d love it if I actually could read this series and in doing so erase the other “chicky” things I’ve seen and heard, like Pearl Harbor, Kate Hudson’s entire career, and Rilo Kiley.

09. Spawn - Sure, Strangers in Paradise and I don’t travel in the same circles, but I am a little surprised that the flashy and (then) new-stylish Image flagship never made its way in to my bag at Sincere Comics back in the day. Image burst out nearly the same time I re-entered the buying market, but I guess my speculator gene is a recessive one, because my sole exposure to any of the Spawn mythos is the HBO series (which I did think was pretty kick-ass). The good news, I guess, is that the series is surprisingly still around, so there’s still time. (Honorable Mention: most other Image titles, notably WildC.A.T.S. and Savage Dragon)

08. Grendel - My skipping this title in the late 80’s/early 90’s is a little more puzzling, because everything I’ve heard/read about Matt Wagner’s generation-spanning story makes me sure it was way better than Spawn.

07. The Walking Dead - Zombies. Human survival instincts tested by danger and the dulling passage of time. Written by Robert Kirkman, who’s other work I’ve enjoyed, including Marvel freaking Zombies. The only excuses I can offer as to why I’ve no clue about this ongoing series is that I didn’t know who Kirkman was until his Invincible got rolling (which I did come across late, but not so late that I couldn’t quickly catch up), and by the time I realized Walking Dead existed and that he wrote it, it was already three trades in. Sorry, Robert.

06. Grant Morrison’s “Weird” DC Titles - In the late 80’s a friend of mine was briefly an overnight DJ at the local album-rock radio station. At a staff meeting, the station’s music director asked the “talent” why they didn’t have more Beatles in the rotation. My friend’s brilliant (and totally honest) response was, “Because you don’t have time to go poop while a two and half minute song is playing.” That observation fit right in with my college-altered reading habits at the time, which were strictly cram-mode. This shift was mostly permanent–I still really can’t sit at the kitchen table or on a toilet without something to read. My DJ friend’s knock on the Beatles mirrors those habits, in that I would only tend to read something I could digest while, um, digesting and something I could just purge from my brain thereafter, like, um… you get it. What I didn’t grab for kitchen table or bathroom reading was Doom Patrol or Animal Man. I blame higher education–not enough time in the day or room in the brain for that much in-depth reading. Maybe if DC was testing me on it every month I’d have devoured it.

05. Scott Pilgrim - Time will tell if this newish fan/critic darling will move up or down any future version of this list. Sure, it’s an interesting premise, combining post-adolescent romantic entanglements with the classic gauntlet style test of commitment, but the art, the musical ingredient, the fanbase… it all makes me feel too old to get into it. Probably unfair, but I doubt if the legions of fans, the producers of the probable film version, even creator Bryan Lee O’Malley are losing much sleep over my not getting into that series or wanting into their club.

04. Batman: Year One - My partner-in-blog might actually be shocked at this entry but I can explain. Miller’s fleshing out of the early days of the Dark Knight went totally under my radar in 1987, due more to the fact that I was just getting back into funnybooks and was doing more catching up than picking up current books. Had the online community existed back then, I might have a more immediate notification that something of unusually high quality was out there and been more inclined to pick up the regular ol’ Batman title. Back then, DC and Marvel hadn’t been all that adept at hyping their upcoming “regular” titles and storyarcs-as-events, unlike their effective promotion of “outside” projects like Dark Knight Returns and Secret Wars. To me, Year One was just four regular issues of Batman that came and went without being missed by me, featuring extra insight into the character that I wasn’t craving. All that said, I don’t know why I still haven’t picked up any of the collected versions of this, while somehow holding onto to at least three issues of Secret Defenders.

03. Love & Rockets - This may drop off the list soon, and not really because I’ve got so many friends screaming at me to pick the trades up (because I don’t). L&R stayed off my shelves and out of my longboxes because I just didn’t easily draw a parallel between the Big 2 and the Hernandez Brothers: they all have a fully functioning, living, breathing universe. A whole world to play in. The only difference in structure is that Marvel and DC don’t just put out one comic featuring the length, width, and depth of that universe. Can you imagine Marvel only putting out one title, (call it “Marvel”), where you might only check in on the Fantastic Four every three months or so? I couldn’t either, which is why I’ve never imagined picking up Love and Rockets. But again, things may change because, dammit, I’m a grown-up now. It’s okay to have an appetite for something a little more sophisticated. Doesn’t mean I have to stop asking my wife to dress up as Zatanna for my birthday.

02. Maus - Hard to clarify why I’ve never checked this Pulitzer winning work. Maybe it doesn’t feel like escapism to me. Maybe it’s a youthfully harebrained knee-jerk reaction to being told a piece of art is “essential” or “required”. The good news is, I don’t think that way these days, and like Love and Rockets, I may finally be ready to enjoy the book of my own volition.

01. Most of the Works of Alan Moore - Honestly, it’s easier for me to list the Alan Moore I have read, than the works I haven’t: Couldn’t really get away with not reading Watchmen, loved his Superman tales “Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow” and “For the Man Who Has Everything”, Top Ten (as much for the Gene Ha goodness), and a couple of installments of his Captain Britain with Alan Davis, reprinted in some X-Men Classic comics I got for 20 cents each and promptly wallpapered my bathroom with. The only Moore-to-film comic I read was League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. From Hell, Swamp Thing, V for Vendetta, and most of his Miracleman/Marvelman have all escaped my notice unscathed. And to be honest, if those haven’t aged any better than the Captain Britains on my wall, I don’t know if I’ll spend enough time in my bathroom to ever justify bringing them home.

I’m sure by now you’ve seen the sure-to-be-temporary Alex Ross redesign of Captain America debuting in January. It’s not a bad design, I think, if a bit overdone with Ross’ fondness for metallic materials; I actually like the callback to Cap’s original shield in the design of the chestpiece. And if, as speculated, it’s Bucky/the Winter Solider underneath the mask, then all of the black and the gun and the knife make sense for the character. So I’m cool with it, especially since we all know it’s just a placeholder until Steve Rogers somehow, some way comes back from the dead (later in 2008, I’m guessing).

But looking at the new costume brought me back to the Nubile Nineties, when pretty much every one of the major superhero icons got spruced up in horrendous new duds at some point (and pretty much every one of them reverted back to their classic look soon after). The list which follows isn’t anywhere near complete, but it does touch on some of the high points — or low points, if you’d rather — of mid-90’s superhero couture. (As always, make sure to stop by Project: Rooftop for some far, far better attempts at updating the iconic looks!)

Armor-Plated Captain America — The last time Cap got a serious costume update, it wasn’t by someone with the design sense of Alex Ross. In fact, I’m not sure it was someone with the design sense of my five-year-old. Here’s the deal: Steve Rogers’ body begins to break down because, I don’t know, he’s old or something. (Who paid attention to the details of any Marvel comic in the mid-90’s, really?) Anyway, Steve-O’s forced into wearing a star-spangled exoskeleton (read: armor) to keep his body from falling apart on him. (Ah, the 90’s! Just look at all that needless over-rendering! Good times.) Obviously at some point he got himself fixed up so that he could go back to his regular duds, but I couldn’t tell you how. And even if I could tell you, I honestly don’t think I’d care to.

Armor-Plated Batman — Surely you know the basics of the near-interminable Knightfall story which overran the Batman titles in the early part of the 90s by now: ‘roid-rager Bane snaps Batman’s back; a crippled Bruce Wayne handles the mantle of the Bat to serious nutjob Azrael, who adopts a ludicrously over-the-top armored costume for his time as Batman. While the look of the costume certainly matched the mental state and background of the character wearing it, the design itself was terrible and nearly impossible to draw in any way that didn’t look ridiculous, as you can see right over there on the laughable cover of Detective Comics #567 (drawn by Kelley “all humans have 300 ribs, right?” Jones).

Armor-Plated Daredevil — Why did Daredevil ditch his normal red togs for black-and-red armor? Because the 90s, that’s why. (OK, it’s because his secret identity became public knowledge and he, I dunno, thought that changing his costume would give the media something new to talk about during their next news cycle so they’d leave him the hell alone. How many times can this guy have his ID outed and deny it before the public stops believing him? Lindsay Lohan’s “rehab was so good for me, I’m never ever going to party anymore!” claims have more credibility at this point.)

Armor-Plated Booster Gold — Are you starting to sense a theme here? Booster, much like Captain America, needed his armor to say alive after getting an arm hacked off and other internal injuries. Luckily, Booster’s best friend was a super-genius and could cobble up some life-support armor for him that just happened to match the color scheme of his costume! (Yes, this was the start of the “darkening” of the Giffen-DeMatties Justice League that Dan DiDio has had such fun with over the last few years.)

(A quick note: While researching these god-awful monstrosities, I discovered that Dave Campbell had much these same thoughts two years ago; please go read his blog for more armored shenanigans, including a couple of heave-worthy costumes I didn’t even mention here.)

Bug-Girl Wasp — As part of the Avengers aptly-named mega-crossover “The Crossing,” most of the team got spiffy new designs courtesy of then-series artist Mike Deodato. Some of the uniforms were fairly decent (like the Scarlet Witch’s), some were just a little different (like Hawkeye’s or Thor’s) and some were… well, they turned the Wasp into a big orange-and-pink bug. [1] The design of Bug-Jan wasn’t particularly appealing, and the treatment of the character seemed even less so. Luckily, something positive came out of the Heroes Reborn/Heroes Return hooey which followed shortly after: this move was wiped off the books.

Electro Superman — Honestly, I don’t think I’d hate this costume or this power set… if it weren’t supposed to be Superman. I mean, c’mon, DC. Changing Superman so completely (and yes, they tried to pull the “No, this is permanent, we swear!” routine) was done just to get the media to look their way for a few moments. Was it worth it, DC? Was it worth absolutely bastardizing your number-one asset, just to get some play on CNN? sigh This is why nobody likes you, y’know. Everyone’s all cool to you to your face, but behind your back, they’re all “That sumbitch DC don’t got no respect, it’s all ‘Hey, look at us break Batman’s back!’ or ‘Hey, look, Superman done stuck his finger in a light socket, ooooh!’”

ahem Sorry. Moving on…

Noseless Wolverine — Does this count as a redesign, when it was really more of an obviously temporary state for the character? Well, I’m going to say yes, because if I don’t, then I can’t include this atrocity here. So something happened to Logan which regressed him to an even more animalistic state than normal (yes, again, I’m a bit fuzzy on the details), and apparently “more animalistic” when applied to Wolverines means “big fangs, poor posture and no nose.” Yet for all of the oddness to his appearance, the loss of his ability to speak in more than grunt, the dragging his knuckles along the ground… Logan still felt the need to tie a flap of cloth with eyeholes in it around his head to wear as a “mask.” Erm… wha huh?

Bike Shorts Wonder Woman — Don’t get me wrong here: I actually love me some bike shorts. But that doesn’t really say “Wonder Woman” to me, y’know? Neither does all the black. Also, another clue that we’re in the 90s: the jacket. Not an absolute travesty as compared to some of the other designs on this list, but if it weren’t for the “WW” motif, this design wouldn’t even be recognizable as Wonder Woman. (This design also qualifies as part of the “Temporarily Replacing An Icon With An Unworthy Stand-In” trend, which hit most every major hero at some point during the decade, but that’s for some later post. This one’s long enough already.)

Torn Hoodie Spider-Man — Oh, look, another installment of “Temporarily Replacing An Icon With An Unworthy Stand-In,” though I guess Spider-Man’s clone would theoretically be just as worthy as he, right? Anyway, once Ben Reilly, the aforementioned clone of Spidey, decided to take on his own Spideriffic identity, he threw together a red bodysuit and a ratty blue spider-emblazoned sweatshirt which would do Bill Belichick proud. And thus was born: the embarrassingly-named Scarlet Spider! This one counts as a redesign to me as since Ben even took over the lead role in the main Spider-Man books for a little while. This costume? Uuuugly, especially in comparison to the other new Spidey costume we got for awhile in the 90’s (the one now worn by Spider-Girl, Spider-Man’s alternate-timeline future daughter. Clones taking over for the characters from which they were cloned? Potential-future offspring from alternate realties? Who says comics are hard to penetrate for new readers!)

Skinhead Hulk — Not technically a costume redesign, true, but the hairless Hulk just never looked right to me. He looked more ridiculous than scary, even under the pencils of John Romita, Jr. During the early part of writer Bruce Jones’ run on The Incredible Hulk, Bruce Banner buzzed his dome in an attempt to hide from… well, everybody, since it seems that Banner-as-Hulk had done Something Bad. While we spent a lot of time with Baldie Bruce, we didn’t actually see a full shot of the Hulk for several issues as Jones built the Hulk up using the “what you don’t see is scarier” technique. And then, once we got a good look at Romita’s Hulk… I snickered when I should’ve been shuddering.

10. North Salem (Westchester County), NY: Here in Pensacola, we have the Pensacola Christian College compound, unnerving and vaguely menacing in size and scope, expanding and renovating every single day. But, I’d absolutely change my views on PCC’s tax-exempt status if it were actually a front for a school for mutants to hone their skills and channel their power for good. I bet it’s just the opposite for the neighbors of the Xavier Institute.

9. Keystone City: Home turf for Flashes Jay Garrick and Wally West, Keystone was planted on the same Earth as Barry Allen’s Central City post-Crisis. Wonder if this will be important in Final Crisis.

8. Star City:
Elected a bleeding heart liberal/reformed capitalist as mayor, despite his uncanny resemblance to Green Arrow.

7.Coast City:
Took center stage as its destruction became the inciting incident for a dozen years of screeching fanboy outrage. And now it’s back and more ghostly than ever.





6.Riverdale: Don’t let his pratfalls fool you. Don’t judge him by the wacky predicaments he finds himself in. Archie Andrews rules Riverdale with an iron fist (and a letterman’s sweater). Betty and Veronica are smitten with him only because their familes are desperate to avoid his wrath.





5.Snowtown:
Not that Warren Ellis’ Fell has any shortage of flesh and blood oddballs, but he manages to give Richard Fell’s purgatory it’s own unsettling little tics, too.





4.Astro City: While Fell above uses its locale as a external force acting on its hero, Kurt Busiek’s Astro City does the opposite. The people, the streets, the landmarks… they’re all Astro City, and Busiek’s mission is to show you how the hero affects the city.




2(tie). Metropolis & Gotham City: Other than Keystone City and maybe Snowtown (we’ll see), no cities are their defenders more than these 2 Big-Bang era settlements. While I’m sure wikipedia and several DC Guides will attempt to set me straight, I’ve always envisioned Metropolis and Gotham to be in the same city, just different neighborhoods. Metropolis, gleaming and advanced and full of optimism, just at the top of the hill; Gotham, tightly packed at the bottom, and not full of hope and moving forward, but slowly.

So what tops the City of Steel and the Dark Knight’s domain? A little baby, in comparison…




1.Opal City: If you haven’t yet, go read as much of James Robinson’s Starman as you can get your hands on. You almost forget you’re reading a traditional (not to mention fictional) superhero comic, with nearly every page soaked with the history of one of the DCU’s oldest cities. Starman’s finale, where the city itself is the target of a brutal and vengeful attack, is everything comics used to aspire to but by and large don’t anymore.